Barin and Derin were a “perfect” couple especially as Barin was a sucker for good food and had an insatiable appetite for culinary diversity and quality while Derin constantly met and often exceeded his expectations in this regard. He absolutely loved good food and prior to marriage, Derin stopped short at nothing in fuelling this appetite. Even after marriage, this diversity and quality continued and their marriage was indeed blissful.

Cracks however surfaced about 18 months into the marriage when Barin was transferred to work in Warri and Derin suddenly stopped being the gourmet and traditional chef, rolled into one, that he had come to know. The meals presented were now unexciting, mundane and tasteless. Initially, he assumed something was wrong and she was probably distraught but his prodding was always answered with a wry smile and the words “Bee, I am fine”. Derin, realising the effect on her erstwhile wonderful marriage, resorted to buying food from eateries and restaurants but Barin was a connoisseur. He could smell the difference miles away. “Ah…ah Derin, this was not cooked at home now. This has a commercial ring to it”, he would often say and so one day, Derin was forced to tell him the truth about the perceived culinary prowess.

Derin: “Bee dear, I have something to tell you,” she said in a gentle voice after he had just polished off his Sunday Brunch at a 4-star hotel.

Barin:” Can’t a man enjoy a good meal in peace? After all, you cannot cook such a meal. What do you want to say woman?” he replied gruffly.

Derin: “You know dear, all those wonderful meals you had during courtship and early marriage”, after a deep sigh she continued, “they were actually mama’s handiwork. You know, she worked as Chief Chef in one of the five-star hotels in Lagos prior to retirement. She knows how to cook up a storm at short notice and with minimum ingredients/resources. Unfortunately, while growing up, the entreaties that I learn from her, fell on deaf ears as I felt I could always pay for the services of a good chef if needed. Unfortunately, your insistence that I am directly responsible for the preparation of your food was not envisaged which is why we have crash-landed where we are”.

A crestfallen and deflated Barin replied “Dee… what kind of woman doesn’t know how to cook. R-e-a-l-l-y, who doesn’t know that the way to a man’s heart is through a man’s stomach! So, what do you expect to do about it”?

Derin responded: “I have spoken with mom and she promises a crash course in all your preferred menu during my annual leave. So, with your kind permission, I will spend 2 weeks of my next vacation with her and you trust now, being the fast learner that I am, this will be behind us in a jiffy”.

Barin: “You are the best, always willing to view things objectively and not afraid to backstep when wrong. I love you as I know you genuinely sacrifice for our love. Permission granted”! With this, he seals the discussion with a kiss.

Derin calls her friend Obele and excitedly relates her decision and its basis. To her chagrin, Obele says – “Ah Derin, I think you are making a mistake. Your husband has no right to alter your disposition towards ANYTHING. If you don’t like cooking… that, is you period. Are you asking him to change? Why doesn’t he change his palate to accept your cooking? Anyway, that is my opinion though”.

Havilah however commends Derin’s decision and advises she sticks by it to enable her marriage to remain blissful. Her decision has unwittingly strengthened the marriage as it shows a willingness to sacrifice.

Importantly, Havilah advises “Never lose that which was the initial basis of attraction be it your fashion sense, intellectual discourse, wit, culinary expertise, style, etc. It goes to the roots of the relationship and helps to keep it renewed/reinvigorated.”

Love

Havilah

La Belle High School graduands arrange a Prom to mark the end of High School and Yeni takes her daughter Kemi for the event. She returns to pick her up and two of her classmates approach the car in the company of Kemi. Ibinabo and Amaka chorus a “Good evening ma”. Amaka continues – “Please ma, can you drop us off at home as we may need to Uber home and are a little wary at this time of night”. Yeni agrees to do so but raises a quizzical eyebrow before commenting on her observations. “Ibinabo and Amaka, good evening. Amaka, what a lovely dress you have on, but Amaka, hmm…you could have passed for any of the Celebrities on the red carpet at the Grammy Awards. This outfit may pass on the red carpet but…well, never mind. Is your mum in town”?

“No ma” Amaka replies “but she had arranged with Aunty Chichi to pick something nice and fitting for the prom”.

“And where is aunty Chichi now”?, Yeni asked.

“Please ma, she paid for my Uber to the event but has lectures on Campus today so she cannot pick me” Amaka responds.

Yeni then admits all three school leavers into the car and sets about giving them a little lecture on the virtue of proper dressing and the folly of indecent dressing /seductive nudity.

Yeni explains that “Seductive Nudity in the form of very transparent clothing, exposure of breasts and other sensitive areas (private parts) of the body, underwear, may be the fashion trend but it has negative connotations and implications for the dresser/wearer”. She states further that “nude dressing may be the prerogative of Celebrities whose purpose is to strike an unforgettable image in the minds of their fans. It is meant for the likes of Grammy Awards and the Red Carpet generally, not for ordinary everyday folk like you and me. Celebrities may get away with it because they are above the average person’s reach. While, it is nice to keep up with trends, this must be done in moderation with due regard to morals and ethics. It is important to dress modestly and decently because that not only shows you are confident of yourself but also showcases you as a person of integrity and standards. Exposure of private parts is a specific “NO NO”. Private parts are referred to as such because they should not be flaunted in public, they should be kept in privacy.

My dear girls, dress is not merely a covering for your nakedness but it also sends a message about the kind of person you are. Indecent dressing belittles womanhood and a woman is often assessed and addressed based on perception. Certain types of dressing are associated with loose morals e.g. inordinately short clothes, exposure of private parts, too much cleavage etc. These invite prying eyes and reactions from the  public to what should remain under wraps, and have elicited many sexual violations and assault. Much as I do not justify such reactions, the way a lady dresses leaves lasting impressions. A lady is respected when  her dress sense is decent and stylish, leaving a lasting impression of dignity and class. Skimpy and indecent dressing on the other hand makes you look crass and cheap. I hope you catch my drift.

Even in the use of cosmetics and make-up, it should be used in moderation so you don’t appear garish. Try using colours that blend in with your skin colour rather than contrast with it.

I also see ladies tottering on heels that are a burden to them. Always wear things that you feel comfortable in whether clothes, shoes, hairdo or make-up.

Now to tattoos…that is another ball game. People with tattoos are generally perceived as displaying negative personality characteristics, lower levels of inhibitions, competence and sociability as well as higher levels of promiscuity. In other words, you can expect them to do the unthinkable without any qualms.”

All three girls thanked Yeni for her exposition on Fashion trends and for dressing right just as she dropped off each of them at their destination.

Left alone with Kemi, Kemi gave her a bear hug and looked her in the eyes. She said: “ Mom, I‘ve learnt so much from you today and I adore your sense of dress. I see you as my role model because you always look so good. Have you noticed how heads turn when you enter a room? Thank you mom for teaching me the right values and parameters”.

Havilah wishes to add that this admonition also works for adults who are meant to act as mentors to the youth but are themselves entirely misled about the right attitude to dressing. May we be guided by the right morals and ethics rather than follow the crowd blindly, all in the name of fashion.

Love

Havilah

Ajua hears the door bell and lets in three of her classmates – Angie, Bambam and Esosa. It is the 1982 – 1987 class set meeting and Ajua is hosting. Angie is the first to flounce into the living room but Bambam, immediately heads for the dinner table which is well laid out with delicious goodies. She opens dish after dish and exclaims…”Wow Ajua, what a spread and it sure looks good and smells good. I can’t wait for the meeting to be over to tantalise my palate with this cassava fufu and banga soup. Are those periwinkles I see and gosh this jollof rice looks really rich and different.” She continues to appraise each of the dishes until Esosa quips “Is this the Nigerian or Ghanaian jollof? I guess today will be the decider on which is tastier”. After picking their preferred drinks the four of them settle to await the arrival of other members of the set for the meeting.

Angie speaks for the first time – “Ajua girl, you are really prepared for us o. Your caterer must be good – with so much variety and on time too”.

Ajua replies – “The boys will be thrilled to hear these compliments o. My three boys took over the kitchen and cooked up a storm. I only flew in from my workshop yesterday night and trust me, I was too tired to do much, except arrange for dessert. They had earlier agreed the menu with me during the week, and kept true to their promise”.

Bambam quickly cuts in – “Ajua, tell me you are kidding. How do you mean your boys? I can’t believe boys can do this…even the fufu”?

Ajua continues – “What do you do in my circumstances? I have three boys and no girl child. With time it became increasingly difficult to get good house-helps. Also, Misan (my husband) was not comfortable with having female maids as the boys reached puberty and I didn’t want a male help hanging around the house. I had to train the boys to be self sufficient and domesticated. After-all…I can’t kill myself. I also feel it prepares them for the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and beyond”.

Esosa adds – “Yes o. No girlfriends can bluff them”.

Ajua resumes – “Interestingly, I see it as an asset for their potential wives. I expect them to give necessary support and assistance to their wives as conditions demand”.

Angela chips in –  “You have a point there. I never really saw it that way you know. Dudu , my only girl of the three children constantly complains that I leave all the household chores to her while the boys can hardly keep their rooms neat. It’s always Dudu this or Dudu that”.

Bambam takes a deep breath and says “Ajua…thanks for the insight. My children are still quite young so I will take a cue from you in raising my only son”.

Esosa gushes – “Today, the ladies seem to be faring better in their careers and in the workplace. They seem better able to  multitask  without dropping the ball. Could it be that we have trained the girls to fit so much into their day that they learn early how to organise themselves and juggle their tasks efficiently to achieve the desired results. This translates into commendable performance at work as they are better organised and prepared to think on their feet without balking in the face of unexpected challenges”.

Bambam ends the discussion just as three other classmates come through the door: “I really think this should make for a good after dinner discussion for the house. Maybe we should raise both sexes with similar values after-all we say “What a man can do a woman can do also” and the women are proving it. Why not vice versa”?

If you were at the set meeting after dinner discussion, what would be your view? Please don’t hesitate to write your comment below or e-mail it to havilahspeaks@gmail.com.

Love

Havilah

Modele and Andrew have been married for two years and have a seemingly perfect marriage with Modele’s 9 to 5 well paying job in an advertising agency while Andrew works with a Multinational company as an Executive Director in charge of the African Sub-Region. Consequently, Andrew’s work schedule involves short lived but frequent overseas tours within the African continent. They both agreed to hold out for two years after marriage before having children, in order to secure their careers.

Given Andrew’s increasing absence from home, Modele decides to spend more time at work to advance her career. As she does this, she receives increasing company from Bodun, a widowed colleague, who is the Creative Director. They start off a platonic friendship which gradually changes course. He starts by lending a hand at Modele’s home with innocuous tasks like changing burnt light  bulbs, fixing faulty gadgets, fixtures and fittings, car repairs etc. Out of boredom, they go for the occasional movie and Modele finds herself opening up to Bodun on intimate and personal issues. She begins to rely on him for counsel on matters that relate to her relationship with Andrew and his family as well as decisions on most aspects of her life. She looks forward to his calls, messages and occasional visits with excitement and there is a connection. She realises that she no longer misses Andrew but rather looks forward to his trips as a time to connect with Bodun. Of course , she tends to compare Bodun with Andrew , and catches herself increasingly thinking of Bodun and caring about him. Even when Andrew is around she sneaks around the house to make contact with Bodun through calls and texts. Her Christian upbringing however prevents her from any sexual interaction outside her marriage but she feels frustrations fighting her emotions.

One Saturday evening, her dear Aunty Molly calls to inform her that she would be attending a week long workshop in her city –  Abuja, and would like to stay with her for the week especially since Andrew was away. Modele was ecstatic. This would give her the much needed opportunity to discuss Bodun and her emotional entanglement  with her pragmatic young Aunty Molly.

True to her word, Aunty Molly arrives the next day  and after settling her in, Aunty Molly in her characteristic manner asks : “Dele dear, what’s new and how is work? Any gist”?

Discussions start off with work and Modele tells Aunty Molly about Bodun and excitedly describes their friendship and the void his relationship fills.  After 42 minutes of listening Aunty Molly clears her throat and says…”Hmm…my dear daughter, it appears to me you are playing with fire. This is a classic case of ”emotional adultery”.

Modele replies in a daze, “Haba…adultery aunty? We have not had that level of interaction. Aunty, no sex is involved! I just feel extremely comfortable with him and can broach ANY matter with him. He always has workable solutions, he is witty and empathetic”.

Aunty Molly asks “Is Andrew aware of this… “friend?”

Modele replies “…Well, he knows him as a colleague but, aunty, you know Andrew, he can be jealous. I can’t tell him o”.

Aunty Molly chides her niece “Dele, Dele, Dele…how many times did I call you? Listen and listen good. What you are doing with Bodun is playing with fire! You are having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which amounts to Emotional Infidelity/adultery because you are a married woman. Let me break it down for you.

As a Christian you know adultery is unacceptable to God. It is also a legal offence punishable under the country’s Penal code and Sharia Law (which is applicable in the Northern part of the country) although it only serves as a ground for Divorce in the Southern parts. That means, Andrew can use Adultery as a basis for divorce.

What is Adultery?  Adultery can be defined as voluntary sexual relations in which at least one participant is married to someone else.

In the absence of sexual relations, can there be adultery?  This is where EMOTIONAL ADULTERY comes into play. In Matt. 5:28, the bible states “But I say to you everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. This shows that you don’t have to have sexual intercourse before you commit adultery. The mere thought of it suffices. The important thing here is the intention not necessarily the act. The word of God also teaches us to “Flee from all appearances of evil”. What do you think anyone who saw you at the Cinema with Bodun would think?  That qualifies as an “appearance of evil” my daughter. Sin starts from the seemingly harmless and then dwells in the mind before it is acted out. Every unholy act proceeds from the mind. It should therefore be clear to you now that you don’t have to be involved in a sexual relationship to be in an adulterous one.  

That said, how do you identify Emotional Infidelity? The emphasis here dear Dele, is on the word emotional. It occurs when an innocent platonic friendship starts arousing romantic feelings and inclinations even without physical interaction. It is a relationship you prefer to keep concealed especially from your spouse,  you are more comfortable discussing your challenges or problems with “your friend” rather than your spouse and you end up neglecting your partner’s emotional, physical or psychological needs. It also showcases in your call or chat log with such “friend” being lengthier than that with your husband.When these happen, it is time to analyse the purport of such relationship. Dele, I hope you now understand where I am headed.

Emotional infidelity is not something that one is intentional about but it slowly creeps in on you as it starts by filling a void you may not even have realised existed until you start relating with each other. It is indeed common in many marriages at one point or the other but it is important to recognise it for what it is – A dangerous carrot NOT to be swallowed –  as it can actually consume the marriage.

Having identified it, you must consciously address it in order to save your marriage.  It is certainly easier to prevent yourself from falling into the crevice of emotional infidelity provided you recognise the symptoms but once you are already in it, the next best thing is to scamper out of the crevice before Andrew even catches a whiff of it because its effect can be as devastating as actual physical adultery. Dele dear, I am not crucifying you for where you find yourself because many marriages easily fall into this snare, but you must  identify it for what it is, an evidence of a fissure in your marriage that must be fixed to enjoy the sanctitity and harmony of marriage. Modele ruminated over Aunty Molly’s admonition and made up her mind to do three things:

1. Deliberately cut off her interactions with Bodun and intimate him of her decision.
2. Discuss the impact of Andrew’s frequent travels with him and collectively navigate a solution.
3. Prepare her mind for children while sourcing better ways of being occupied when Andrew has to  travel.

Love

Havilah

Hilda, class President of the College graduating class of 1994, has been saddled with the responsibility of addressing the class meeting on any topical issue of her choice. Having wrestled with her choices, she settles for a discussion on RETIREMENT given that most of her audience are in their fifties and would be close to retirement from employment or active service. A summary of her presentation is encapsulated below:

“WHAT IS RETIREMENT? The Oxford Languages defines retirement as “the action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work “among other definitions. This is the most relevant to our discussion. I would however revise the definition as follows: Voluntary cessation of active involvement in any employment for which some fiduciary reward acted as an incentive.  You may however retire from a job but take on another or be involved in a not-so-active state (semi-retirement).

WHY SHOULD WE RETIRE? I believe there are 3 key reasons for retirement.

1. To enable the body much-needed rest as we age and slow down our pace in line with our body mechanism. With the advancement in age, the effect of stress can be daunting.
2. To allow us time to do the things we would love to do but which had been hitherto constrained by our busy lifestyle.
3. To allow for younger talent to grow and mature. Development of the ”generation next”.

CAN YOU PREPARE FOR RETIREMENT? It is important to prepare for retirement because it often involves a paradigm shift from erstwhile activities and lifestyles. Whether retirement is voluntary (usually early retirement) or statutory (attaining a stipulated age or number of years in service), there is a need to prepare as retirement rarely comes as a surprise, unless in the event of an accident, redundancy, or debilitating illness.

WHEN DO YOU START THE PREPARATION? The usual advice is to start preparing for retirement immediately after you start your first job. Even though this usually looks unachievable, it is possible even as you commence multiple streams of income and start investments that can help cushion the loss of income that is associated with retirement. As a young person, you can start with savings and Insurance policies that enable you to put away monthly sums. The truth is that it is never too early to start building up your financial security. Conversely, it is never too late to start, provided it is before you actually retire. Often, the lack of preparation or inadequate preparation for retirement leads to taking on another job later in life when you should be enjoying the benefits of retirement. As retirement beckons, there is a natural fear of the unknown but that fear can be cushioned where one is adequately prepared.

WHAT ARE THE AREAS OF CONCERN? There are three principal areas of concern and these fears border on:

1. Boredom – What will keep one occupied both mentally and physically when work stops/ends. How do you handle the “empty nest syndrome.” What do you do for company and companionship, especially where you have lost a spouse either through death or divorce?
2. Health Challenges – These usually set in with the aging process. Where do you get relevant care and help and at what cost? With age, the cost of maintaining good health rises. Will you need a caregiver or is a hospice an option?
3. Finances – How do you maintain a responsible and comfortable lifestyle with the loss of regular income? Can you maintain your erstwhile standard of living?

HOW CAN THESE FEARS BE ADDRESSED?

Boredom: Take retirement as the time to do the things you always wanted to do but which had taken the back burner as a result of work. Pursue your hobbies and interests e.g. traveling, knitting, volunteer work, etc. If it brings in a little income, it is a plus. Use the time also to tidy your affairs e.g. legal documentation for your investments – stock, property, investments, etc. Remarry for companionship, spend more time with the grandchildren, foster a child, etc.

Health Challenges: Sign up for Medical Insurance through the Health Maintenance Organisations (HMOs) which are private companies that provide Health Insurance on payment of an annual premium. As in all insurance, this entitles you to medical cover as contained in your policy. This insures you against serious ailments and illness whereby the HMO bears the cost provided your premium is fully paid and up to date. Although there is a National Health Insurance Scheme in Nigeria it is largely ineffective. However, more recently Lagos State commenced a Lagos State Health Scheme (LSHS) towards affordable health coverage for Lagos State residents.

Finances: Over the years, a diversified investment portfolio comprising any or a combination of the following is important – Rental income, Equity, Money market Instruments, Commodities,  foreign investment, and most recently cryptocurrencies. Where in doubt, employ the services of a Financial Adviser/Consultant.

Usually, when you retire from a structured work environment, you are entitled to end-of-service benefits whereby you can opt for pension or annuity payment through an insurance firm. The pros and cons of each option must be carefully weighed in determining your preference. Kindly discuss this with your PFA (Pension Fund Administrator).

Retirement should signify your best years ever but this can only be so if adequate preparation is made for this period of one’s life.

Thank you for listening.”

Love

Havilah

Omotara is an upwardly mobile banker with a First generation bank and is married to Abdul. They have two lovely children aged four and two respectively, capably handled by a reliable and efficient maid named Emem. Both children are usually taken to their  school nearby by Emem and picked up after school hours by her.

Trouble erupted when Emem lost her mother and had to travel to Eket for the burial. This took her away for a whole week. On the second day of her absence, Omotara woke up early, prepared the children for school, fixed breakfast for all and dropped them off at school with instructions to Abdul, to pick them from school and drop them off at their grandma’s place, from where she would pick them on her way home. This was agreed by both parties seeing as Abdul, a partner with a Structural Engineering firm ten minutes drive from home, worked flexible hours.

Omotara was shocked to receive a call from the children’s school at about 4pm, three hours after school was over, informing her that the children were yet to be picked up. She placed a call to Abdul who unfortunately could not be reached so she had to truncate her meeting so as to pick them to grandma’s place. She returned to work and later picked them from grandma’s house en-route home.

She arrived home only to find Abdul in front of the television munching on some fruits and sipping some water.  Upon seeing her, he immediately demanded his supper and Omotara barely reined in her anger as she went into the kitchen to fix dinner for both of them.The children were already bathed and fed at grandma’s place. She gasped in exasperation as she discovered that the breakfast dishes/plates were still in the sink unwashed. She immediately set dinner in motion while doing the dishes and succeeded in putting the children to bed. After serving Abdul his dinner, she walked into their bedroom to find his work clothes strewn all over the bed which had not been made since they left home. At that point, anger erupted and she summoned Abdul with a loud yell. The following exchange then occurred:

Omotara: “Abdul…you are damn irresponsible. First, you did not pick the children from school like you were supposed to and you have not followed up to find out when, and how they were picked up or where they were. Worse still, you got in long before I did yet you did not think of rendering assistance by doing the dishes or even the bed. Instead, you sat waiting for me to come in and get you dinner. You are so inconsiderate and uncaring. Emem is away and you know the nature of my work, the least you can do is render a little assistance to ease the burden.”

Abdul retorts: “ I don’t understand what the ranting is about! Since when did it become a man’s responsibility to keep home. Yes, I forgot to pick the children, after all, it is not part of my usual routine and it was an honest omission.  My responsibility to you as a man is to provide your financial needs and I do that so that makes me responsible. I also satisfy you sexually I believe. What more do you expect from me? It is your business to meet my needs, take care of the home and children and it is up to you to find a way of coping”.

The altercation got Omotara thinking deeply as to the roles of husband and wife and she found herself recalling an earlier conversation with her childhood friend Derin, who was insistent on finding a husband with the “right attitude to roles in marriage”. Derin touted a theory that most young men are spoilt and lack a sense of responsibility as well as the ability to be selfless. In Derin’s words “They are self centred , self indulgent and self seeking, putting their comfort and interest above every other person inclusive of their children. They feel marriage is all about providing financial support and sexual obligations rarely realising that the woman is in need of intimacy not sex, she expects respect for her person, assistance in working as a team, quality bonding conversations and outings etc”. Omotara however juxtaposes this view against the roles and responsibilities spelt out to them by the Chairman of their wedding reception – exactly what Abdul had recounted during their exchange.

Omotara also remembers one key sentence that resonates with her – “Make Christ the centre of your marriage”. Christ preached LOVE and the bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 that “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. With that, she recalls one of her favorite Children’s Church choruses – “J-O-Y this is what it means, Jesus First, Yourself last and Others in-between”. She concludes her reflections with a self realisation and calmness that to experience JOY in her marriage, she must place Christ first and her husband before herself. She can exhibit the fruits of the Holy spirit as contained in Galatians 5:22-23. These are : Love, Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control.  She then vows to apologise for her outburst and await a suitable time to discuss her concerns with Abdul in a more amenable manner.

Love

Havilah

It’s Fathers Day and a day to celebrate all the special men in our lives. Our Fathers, Husbands, Partners, Male friends and Sons. May the Lord make their lives worthy. Without men, women wouldn’t exist or show me a woman not conceived through a man. I doff my hat to all the fathers who understand the true calling of FATHERHOOD. God Bless You! The below poem is for you.

Love

Havilah

Aduke, Billy and Eki sit together for a chat on the deck of their Mediterranean ship cruise, sipping smoothies and juices with finger foods. Their school leaving set had arranged this reunion cruise to mark 50 years of graduation from high school. They are all in their late sixties and generally relaxed. After reminiscing over their days in school, they settle down to catch up on their current realities and status. Aduke starts by sharing the pictures of her four adorable grandchildren which are captured on her I-pad. A retired school teacher, she explains that they are the high point of her days since her husband passed on about a decade ago. She explains that her daily routine comprises waking up at 7a.m to perform her daily devotion after which she tends her garden of flowers and vegetables. Breakfast follows at about 10 a.m. consisting of a fruit of choice and healthy portions of bean derivatives like bean cake (akara), moin-moin, or ewa agoyin with corn pap or oats. After that, she updates herself with posts on her phone and e-mails before reading the news. By 1 p.m. she prepares for the driver to pick up the grandchildren from school starting with those in kindergarten, primary and secondary school, in that order. Once they are back from school, it is both physically and mentally exhausting to keep pace with their energy, their discussions, assignments, intellectual discourse, etc. She manages to take a one-hour nap at 5 p.m. She then has an early dinner at about 6.30 p.m. consisting of a decent mix of vegetables with chicken or fish. She wishes the children goodnight as their parents pick them up and she winds down by watching TV or a movie before taking her nightcap of cocoa at bedtime which is 11 p.m. Of course, she finds time for social activities especially on some weekends while her mid-week and Sunday worship service are a must.

Billy responds to Aduke with, “no wonder you are glowing with joy and fulfillment. I have always wondered about the flowers and greenery on your DP (Display Picture). They would make the best florists envious”. “As for me, since my retirement as Executive Director with the bank, I started a Financial Consultancy business which keeps me on my toes. I currently employ a staff complement of 12 persons although I am gradually taking a back seat in running the business. I have 2 senior partners and only handle referrals when I work twice in the week. I cannot miss my early morning one-hour daily walk at about 7 a.m. Exercise energises me and stimulates me mentally. My interaction with my staff who are largely youth keeps me updated and relevant to today’s world. Of course, I keep spiritually in tune by observing my “Salat” and “Jum’a” prayers and have been observing a Mediterranean diet for the last five years which has kept my weight, blood pressure and cholesterol in check. My annual medical check-up has so far given me a clean bill of health and I pray this continues. Hey Eki…the big fish, do you still swim?”

“Our darling boisterous Senior Prefect Billy, yes I still swim, though not nearly as much as I used to” Eki responds with a laugh. “You know as a Geriatrician, I take care of all of us now, in quotes. My work entails medical care of the elderly and treatment of age-related ailments. One thing however stands clear, aside from genetically transferred ailments, our quality of health is largely dependent on making the right choices e.g., eating the right foods, abstaining from harmful habits, developing the right exercise regimen, Proper sleep and rest habits, indulging in mental stimulation, maintaining spiritual and social relationships, etc. In simple terms, indulging in the right lifestyle, devoid of unnecessary stress and rancour. Even where we have a genetic predisposition to an ailment, it can be managed by adopting the right lifestyle changes”.

Eki continues “clearly, we all have different thresholds and must each discover what works for us and gives us the right level of wellness. My rule of the thumb is to do everything in moderation having in mind that what I consider moderate, you may find excessive. Some of the more general rules are as follows:

1. Reduce consumption of red meat and include more vegetables and fruit in your diet. Vitamin Supplements are also a useful addition. Drink lots of water to prevent dehydration.
2. Reduce sugar and salt and other additives and derivatives as well as the consumption of flour products.
3. Try to exercise moderately daily. An exercise regimen that does not involve much strain is recommended e.g., walking, household chores, gardening, etc.
4. Sleep for about 8 hours daily.
5. Indulge in mentally stimulating exercises including games and quizzes that require mental involvement.
6. Social interactions and giving back to society/the community.
7. Regularly check your vital signs and have a comprehensive annual medical check-up.
8. Spiritual engagement on a regular basis.

However, as in all things, we can only play our part and trust God for the rest”.

Love

Havilah

Gender-based violence is a topical issue with much emphasis placed on the physical aspect which is usually more visible and evident. However, emotional abuse is much more prevalent and just as damaging as physical abuse, more subtle, but impactful and often resulting in gaslighting and the erosion of self-esteem. Let us take a simple definition of Emotional abuse. It is defined as a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame or otherwise manipulate them. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviour that wear down a person’s self-esteem and undermine their mental health. If you feel wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious, angry, or worthless anytime you interact, chances are high that your relationship is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse can take a variety of forms e.g., accusations of cheating or other signs of jealousy, possessiveness such as isolating you from family and friends, gaslighting, shaming or blaming, the silent treatment, name-calling, verbal abuse, trivializing the person’s concerns, withholding affection and attention among others.

Take the case of three friends on a girls’ lunch date. After exchanging their usual pleasantries and making their orders, they quickly settle down to share their frustrations as a coping mechanism in their marriages.

Celeine sighs as she confides in her friends Peri and Alero, that Jim (her husband) has recently thwarted her effort to take a job insisting that she cannot be allowed to work. Celeine who has a Master’s degree in ICT was a course mate of Jim’s during her Master’s program. Shortly after marriage, Jim insisted that Celeine forget about work as he would provide all her needs and luxuries, she should concentrate on keeping home, administering to his needs and taking care of the children. This she accepted and obeyed but as the children became more independent with age, all efforts to obtain his consent for employment have been fruitless. “What is more frustrating is that I depend on him for everything and I mean everything, down to cosmetics, feminine needs, etc. Consequently, if I need to help my younger ones, family members, or friends, I must ask him and I am subject to his whims and caprices. Sometimes, some requests are not only rebuffed but accompanied by insults and abuse. It is so humiliating. “

Peri quickly interjects, “at least Jim provides your needs. Gogo (my husband) is quite the opposite. Since losing his job over eight years ago, he has been totally dependent on me for everything. He does nothing except laze around the house leaving every expenditure for me to handle, whether major or minor. I even cater to his personal needs – the shirt on his back…I buy it. Yet, he is overly jealous and possessive. Career-related engagements, training workshops and meetings are met with a strained relationship. Innuendos and insinuations of infidelity are made regarding my upward advancement. The strides I have made in terms of upward mobility are at a cost and were only achieved by me shutting out all the negativity and rancour from home. The worst part is that he constantly cheats on me and when accosted, attributes it to the time I spend building up my career and meeting our financial needs. I even got a few slaps until I threatened to walk out of the marriage if the physical assault continued.”

Alero quietly adds ‘’hmm, with Akpan, you don’t argue or chastise him regardless of the offence. The reaction is to cut off all financial support especially neglecting his responsibilities to the children and starving me of intimacy. He is an unrepentant womaniser with absolutely no scruples and anytime I question his activities, he turns the tables on me telling me I am illogical and making me lose confidence in my reasoning abilities. He then proceeds to cut off his financial support, stops eating at home and neglects his other responsibilities in “protest”. Previous attempts to involve members of his extended family in resolving issues only worsened the situation.”

Madam Jenny, the owner of the Bistro where they met, walks up to their table and mentions that she had unwittingly overheard their conversation and had identified that they are all victims of emotional abuse in their marriages. She informs them that this form of abuse is quite common though more subtle and less reported than the physical form, but equally lethal. It attacks the mental health of the victim.

She states “In prior times, our mothers would advise that you bear it in patience. This has however been known to have psychological consequences. It is important therefore to do the following:

1. Recognise it for what it is. Emotional abuse/violence.
2. Stop trying to please the abuser. Concentrate on your wellbeing”. She continues,

“Celeine, I think you should take up a job. You can try to convince Jim with superior arguments as to the essence by massaging his ego, using persons with persuasive authority over him or simply taking the bull by the horns and expecting things to settle later.

Peri, do not try to assuage Gogo’s feelings when you are certain his accusations and reactions are borne out of jealousy. Communicate your boundaries as you did with the physical abuse (slaps) and become oblivious to his abuse. If he continues and you can’t handle it, seek the assistance of a Marriage Counsellor and if that fails, walk away.

Alero, unfortunately, your husband is gaslighting you. Gaslighting occurs when someone is manipulated by psychological means into doubting their own sanity. It is reverse psychology. Counseling should help and if it doesn’t you may need to work out an exit plan.”

All three of them thanked her and promised to consider her advice.

Love

Havilah

All the hype and excitement of MOTHER’S DAY is over but that begets the question, WHO REALLY IS A MOTHER? While listening to a Mother’s Day message recently, I found myself asking the above question among others.

THE ORIGIN: Both the Holy Bible and the Holy Quran reverence the role of motherhood and so do our various cultures. Gen.3.16 NLT version of the bible refers to the procreative role of the woman and states “…I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy and in pain, you will give birth”. Similarly, the Holy Quran 46:15 refers to the pain of birthing children. Both books also refer to the process of weaning children with references to Isaac and Samuel in the Bible and to the Quran 31:14. Does it, therefore, follow that all women are mothers and conversely so?

To enable us a better understanding, we will consider some definitions and roles.

DEFINITIONS: The keywords in that question are “Women” and “Mothers”.

A WOMAN is an adult female human being as defined by Oxford languages and Google.

A MOTHER on the other hand can be defined as a woman in relation to her child or children (Noun). Please note that it does not prefix child or children with the word biological.

The verb definition however describes what she does as a female human being who either gives birth to an offspring and/ or brings up (nurtures and mentors) a child with care and affection. This, therefore, presupposes that not all mothers give birth to offspring. Some only nurture and mentor other women’s children.

CLASSES OF MOTHER: There are therefore a minimum of five categories of mothers who play the role of mothering and every woman falls into a minimum of one category:

1. Biological Mother (She could be married or single)
2. Adoptive Mother (Legal adoption)
3. Foster Mother (Informal arrangement)
4. Stepmother (A result of marrying a divorced or widowed father)
5. Spiritual Mother (One who superintends over spiritual matters)

Do we, therefore, see mothering as a Task or a call?

A task is a piece of work to be done or undertaken. A Calling
on the other hand stems out of an internal passion requiring responsibility and commitment to making an impact in the lives of the children you mother. It is a passion from within which pervades the exterior in action, impacting lives.

A quotation on The Call to serve our families culled from the book – The Leadership Gap – by Lolly Daskal reads “Make sure those you love know you’re there for them, even when they are not there for you. If you are called to serve you show up with the best of what you have to offer – and when it comes to serving our families, there’s no such thing as going too far”.

Therefore, the most important function common to all classes of mothers is that of nurturing and mentoring with care and affection. In the process of training a child, discipline is often necessary, and most often it is better appreciated later in the child’s life, Proverbs13:24 says “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. A mother who exhibits the right mix of love attention and discipline will have her children rise up and call her blessed and her memory will continually be a blessing.

THE POSER: Gbeminiyi is confused as to who to invite for her graduation. She is entitled to only one invitee. Her mother left her with her father when she was six years old and eloped with a lover. Her stepmother played the role of a loving mother and even paid her fees when her father passed on. Her mother has been reaching out to her in recent times and she is torn between acknowledging her Stepmother and her biological mother especially since she must choose one over the other for the occasion. A difficult decision but what would you advise? Please place your comments on the blog or revert to me in person through havilahspeaks@gmail.com.

I doff my hat to all TRUE mothers and potential mothers as well as fathers who have had to play dual roles as father and mother. May their labor of love never go unrewarded.

Love

Havilah