I was at a hairdressing salon recently and the topical discussion centered on a notorious cross-dresser who happens to be a” social media influencer.” As the debate about his/her activities and the social impact raged, several questions preyed on my mind. I intend to share them with you here with the hope of us addressing our mind to the full implications of encouraging such persons in our society.

Who is a Crossdresser, and does s/he differ from the age-old Transvestite?

Is Crossdressing merely a fad or does it affect the person’s psyche such that he/she believes they are members of a different sex?

Do cross-dressers get married and if yes, is the partner the same sex or a different sex?

Is a cross-dresser necessarily a gay person?

How did they get there? Were certain childhood experiences responsible and did they exhibit such preferences in childhood?

What is their relationship with their parents, siblings, and extended family?

How have their choices impacted their family in their communities/environment?

We usually discuss male cross-dressers, are there female cross-dressers and if yes, why are they less visible?

So, what precisely is Cross Dressing? The MSD Manual (Consumer Version) carries an article by George R. Brown, MD, East Tennessee State University from which I extract the following excerpts.

“Most cross-dressers do not have a Psychiatric disorder. They may be said to have transvestism. In transvestism (cross-dressing), men prefer to wear women’s clothing, or, far less commonly, women prefer to wear men’s clothing. This may be because women have a broader range of apparel considered consistent with gender. However, they do not have an inner sense of belonging to the opposite sex or wish to change their sex. The term cross-dressers is usually used to refer to people with transvestism. Transvestite is a less acceptable term and is considered offensive. Cross-dressing in and of itself is not considered a mental health disorder. Cross-dressing occurs in both heterosexual and homosexual men, and much more uncommonly in women. Nonbinary people who dress in clothing typically associated with a different birth sex are generally not engaging in “cross-dressing” for the purposes of sexual arousal. They probably associate themselves with the opposite sex.

Heterosexual males who dress in women’s clothing typically begin such behavior in late childhood. This behavior is associated, at least initially, with intense sexual arousal.

Cross-dressers may, however, cross-dress for reasons other than sexual stimulation—for example, to reduce anxiety, to relax, or, in the case of male cross-dressers, to experiment with the feminine side of their otherwise male personalities.

Later in life (sometimes in their 50s or 60s), some men who were cross-dressers only in their teens and twenties develop gender dysphoria. They may seek to change their body through hormones and genital (gender-affirming) surgery.

When a partner is cooperative, cross-dressing may not hurt a couple’s sexual relationship. In such cases, cross-dressing men may engage in sexual activity in partial or full feminine attire with the consent of their partner.

When a partner is not cooperative, cross-dressers may feel anxious, depressed, guilty, and ashamed about their desire to cross-dress. In response to these feelings, these men often purge their wardrobe of female clothing. This purging may be followed by additional cycles of accumulating female clothes, wigs, and makeup, with more feelings of guilt and shame, followed by more purges”.

While the above may not adequately address all our questions, it gives some insight about Cross-dressers and stimulates our thoughts. Unfortunately, social media serves as a sphere of influence over our youth and there is so much exposure regarding cross–dressing. There is also a growing fad for men to wear jewelry, braid their hair, etc while ladies wear masculine cuts. This in itself does not amount to cross-dressing…what do we think?

Love

Havilah

Quite often when the term “tough love” is used, one tends to associate it with disciplining youth and adolescents. The ability to leave them to suffer the consequences of their action enables them to learn from experience. However, I recently attended a symposium on TOUGH LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS. Incidentally, I arrived about an hour early, so I had the opportunity to engage three other ladies who were also early birds.

Mazino, a comely soft-spoken lady in her early fifties, spilled her story. She had married her husband at a time when she had a comfortable business while the husband was straight out of school and earned an income that barely took him home. Because of her kind and considerate nature, she agreed to take on most of the expenses at home with the hope that when his finances improved, he would take on the mantle of responsibility. Subsequently, entreaties/threats to take on some of the financial burden, especially after the birth of their children, were ignored. His money was his own while hers was for their collective upkeep and advancement. With extra money in his hands at his disposal, he soon resorted to a careless lifestyle that cost him his job. That was the beginning of his downward plunge into depression and substance abuse resulting in higher levels of irresponsibility and deeper cycles of depression. Mazino was at her wit’s end having accepted her lot to be the provider for the family, but she felt a need to help him redeem his self-esteem and she loved him too much to watch the spiraling decline. One day, while pouring out her heart to Ejiro who was calmy seated beside her, she had suggested that she should have applied tough love. In her view, she had been too understanding thereby enabling his behaviour. In her opinion, a tougher stance in addition to the prayers she had continually rendered, may have produced results. As she rounded up, Ejiro continued:

“In my case, I made it clear from day one that certain boundaries must be observed. Regardless of how it was funded, (beg, borrow, or steal) my husband had to be responsible for our accommodation, children’s school fees, and part funding of upkeep. I helped with other things as needed but never took on his agreed responsibilities. It has worked for us, and I feel that is a form of tough love. I fashioned him to be responsible. I believe Mazino treated her husband like a spoilt child which encouraged his lethargy. Anyway, that is why I dragged her to this symposium to expose her to the experiences of some other women and help her fashion out how her situation can be remedied”.

A few minutes later, the symposium started, and the discussions were very instructive on the topic as life experiences were shared in expounding the topic. Tough love was described as a subtle and dynamic approach to relationships, challenging conventional notions. You must be prepared to make tough decisions, set boundaries, and give honest feedback to address underlying issues. While it seems to contradict our perception of tenderness associated with love, it focuses on the long-term goal of growth and strength. It creates a balance between being caring and compassionate yet firm and assertive. For instance, in dealing with substance abuse, one must take a firm stance, set boundaries, and refuse to enable or tolerate the destructive behavior any longer. (A sideward glance at Mazino showed she was lapping up every word). One may refuse to be around when the abuse happens or seek support or help. It was however stressed that Tough Love should not be targeted at neglecting or hurting the partner by belittling them or displaying rudeness.

Tough Love comprises the following:

1. Setting boundaries highlighting expectations and limits that must be shared with the partner.
2. Being honest and open about concerns, expectations, and issues to be addressed.
3. Focusing on the unacceptable behavior, not attacking character.
4. Being firm yet compassionate and caring.
5. Allowing the partner to face the consequences of their action.
6. Encouraging personal responsibility and hold them accountable for their actions and decisions. No excuses.
7. Allowing them to fashion out their own solutions and learn from experience. Offer them support…not solutions.
8. Being consistent, sticking to your boundaries and expectations so as not to present a confused signal.
9. Seeking external help from counselors or therapists where necessary!
10. Importantly, indulging yourself in self-care and ensure your well-being.

Needless to say, Mazino left the symposium relieved after fixing an appointment to consult with one of the therapists who facilitated.

Love

Havilah

Ogbealu had just laid her mother to rest with an immensely befitting burial. Mama’s three children – Chike, Ufuoma, and Ogbealu (all of whom are accomplished and successful in their various fields of endeavour) had pulled resources together to give her a resounding burial. The cooperation and unity displayed by the trio in events leading to and during the interment of their mother – Mama Chike as she was fondly called, was not just commendable, it was palpable. It was the talk of the town. As she sat down to review the consolidated accounts of her restaurant chain, in walked her friend and colleague Fumbi. Fumbi ran a phenomenally successful catering outfit and had been part of the burial arrangements, Fumbi plonked her bag onto a chair, and could not hide her curiosity as to how Mama Chike’s children had achieved that level of collaboration that was glaring to all.

Fumbi started “Lulu, the unity and constructive collaboration displayed were incredible! You know, my only sibling, Simbo, and I can barely put up appearances when we must come together on any project. She was the egghead when we were growing up. Our parents’ golden girl. Whatever I did never measured up even though I was far better at domestic chores and cooking came to me naturally. My mother especially, never had any word of praise, it was always… “Fumbi, you will be lucky to end up as a successful street food vendor (a local mama put).” Simbo went on to get a prime job after university while I struggled to earn a living doing minor catering contracts and this continued for a while until, the multinational company at which Simbo worked packed up and left the country. It was a major catastrophe for Simbo who had to solicit my assistance until things picked up for her again. Whenever she approached me, I would remember the taunting during my difficult years and never failed to remind her that I was meant to be a street food vendor. I would gloat over her misfortune before rendering the needed help. Needless to say, she has since picked up the pieces and is doing well but there is a gaping gap in our relationship, we both know, and we are just putting up appearances when we deem it necessary.”

Ogbealu set down the books she was tallying and took a deep breath. “Fumbi, how can you guys live with such unnecessary baggage? In our home, Chike was our Einstein and went on to do well in Investment banking and Financial Services. Our mother however believed that every child has a gift and recognised mine and Ufuoma to be in the area of culinary and fashion respectively and she encouraged us to follow our passion and be the best we could. Needless to say, we had no excuse to envy each other as Ufuoma’s clothing label is going places now. Chike has also been of tremendous help to us both (Ufuoma and I) as we have leveraged him for financial backing to grow our businesses as well as investment advice. We have been able to work as a team to our mutual benefit on most projects.”

“My dear friend,” she continued, “you need to eat humble pie and apologise to your sister for the way you treated her in her time of need. After all, God has been good to you and has elevated you. Bitterness is a cancer that spreads and destroys everything. Do not allow it to fester in your heart. Find a place to forgive your parents and do not forget it was not your sister’s fault that she has the brains. God has endowed everyone with what they need to take them to where he has planned for them and because his plans for us are good, let us trust him and thank him for where he leads us.”

Havilah shares Ogbealu’s sentiments and wishes to add that often sibling rivalry is promoted by the handling of parents. We must all remember that  God created us all differently so that we can complement each other and that is the only way objectives can be realised. There is nobody created that is worthless. We must therefore learn to appreciate one another and look out for the merits of everyone. May the Lord help us all.

Love

Havilah

Dear readers, it is refreshing to be back after a well needed break. I must thank ID for keeping the blog running in all that time. I am sure you agree with me, he deserves an ovation , as I receive encouraging comments regarding the topics he handled. Once again ID, you are appreciated. Now to today’s topic.

Paula has been married to Tim for five years and is processing and analysing her feelings. She picks up her phone and in tears, she asks her closest pal – Bimpe – to stop by on her way to the shop. As Bimpe walks in through the kitchen door, Paula starts Bimpe, I am fed up with this marriage to Tim. It is like I barely know him, yet we courted for five years before we exchanged vows. The past five years have been a test of my patience starting a couple of months after the wedding. It started with Tim requesting that I quit my job to take care of Moni after birth. He later insisted that I be a stay-at-home mother, to take care of the children and home properly especially since Bodun came in quick succession after Moni. I readily agreed as I believed it was in the best interest of the home in general and the children in particular. After all, I could resume work when they have both started school. However, Tim now insists that I remain at home until they have both gained admission to the university. Can you imagine that? Why did I spend so many years acquiring an education if I did not use the certificate? As if that is not bad enough, he gets upset when I attend church programs outside of the Sunday services. He says I spend more time in church than with him at home. He also refuses to hire any home assistance and believes they would make me idle and redundant.

Finances are also a sore area. Any requests from me are turned down with stern “I am breaking my back to pay ALL the bills here! There is no room for frivolous expenditure. Even a simple suggestion for a dinner date is met with a cynical response… learn the recipes. It is a humdrum experience – no fun, no excitement…just household chores and caring for the children. The issues are hydra-headed.

Bimpe interrupted the tirade with “But Paula, did you not do a values and goal alignment before accepting his offer of marriage? It is important to align on your short-term and long-term goals as well as on values relating to everything that could crop up in marriage – finances, religion, spirituality, children (number and spacing), sex, work, investment, etc. This ensures that you work from the same template, thereby minimising disagreements since expectations are pre-agreed.” Bimpe later sought out Tim and convinced the couple to see a Marriage Counsellor who prescribed 10 tips for a healthy relationship which largely hinges on COMMUNICATION. They are:

1. Talk openly to each other about the relationship.
2. Set realistic expectations for each other and discuss them.
3. Realise that compromise is inevitable – concede some.
4. Schedule regular outings.
5. Support each other regarding your goals, dreams, and aspirations. This is only possible if you know what they are, so communicate.
6. Unlearn bad behaviour. Tim had learnt from his father not to entrust his wife with ALL information.
7. Display mutual respect.
8. Work as a team in the relationship and encourage each other with endearments, gifts, and kind gestures.
9. Be creative with problem-solving utilising careful communication.
10. Exhibit patience. Patience is a virtue.

Havilah advises intending couples to always discuss their goals and values and ensure alignment before marriage. The services of a Marriage counselor are also useful in emphasising both the religious norms as well as the practical issues enumerated above.

Love

Havilah

Nothing quite prepares most people for the relationship transition or transformation, when erstwhile ordinary friends turn to family through marriage. In some cases, one is perplexed or jolted and confused as to how to relate to the new family members who used to be just friends.

Jummai and Amina were course mates at the University and became quite close, visiting each other at home. It was during one of those visits to Amina’s house that Sulaiman, Amina’s close cousin met and showed interest in Jummai. Both eventually got married.

While Amina and Jummai were in school, Jummai had dated Basheer, a course mate. But Basheer wasn’t psychologically prepared to settle down when Jummai met Sulaiman, who was a little older and more mature. Even after getting married to Sulaiman, Jummai and Amina sometimes discussed Basheer. “Allah knows what’s happening to Basheer now” Amina once said, adding “Anyway, you’re now our wife. I wish him luck with another lady”, to which Jummai responded, “Yes indeed, I’m happy I met Sulaiman. I pray that Allah is kind enough to Basheer so he too can find a suitable life partner”. Both ladies always made sure that Sulaiman was not within earshot whenever they discussed Basheer. They both have been able to navigate their relationship, transitioning from being friends to becoming family.

Emeka and Chudi were the best of friends at the University and eventually got employed in the same organization. While in the University, Emeka had dated Nancy. They were both lovebirds on the campus, but while Emeka went to Yola for this mandatory national service, he was stunned to learn that Nancy got married to another man who came from abroad, and both traveled out. Emeka was distraught and for a long time could not consider any romantic relationship again. However, he got drawn to Chudi’s sister, Chioma who often served them whenever Emeka visited Chudi his friend. Chudi noticed, and told Emeka “Leave my sister alone o. We are both too close as friends to become in-laws. If something happens between you both, on whose side would I be?” he asked rhetorically, but Emeka responded, “You know me. Our bond of friendship would even get stronger, Chudi. It means I won’t do anything that would hurt you. We would have a double relationship as friends and in-laws”. It took a while, but since Chioma herself liked Emeka, they both got married and were happy together.

Wura and Atinuke were mates during their Advance Level studies and got even closer when they both gained admission to study at the same University. Wura’s male cousin, Segun often saw the two friends and showed interest in Atinuke. Wura was excited as she knew her friend to be a dutiful and homely person. She felt Atinuke would make a good wife for her cousin, and so enthusiastically encouraged the relationship. She did the matchmaking which ended in a happy marriage.

As time went on Atinuke started feeling uncomfortable addressing Wura by her first name as their Yoruba culture frowned at relatives’ wives addressing household members by name. Atinuke soon found a pet name for her erstwhile friend turned-in-law, and Wura too reciprocated by referring to Atinuke as “my sis”.

Have you found yourself in any of these situations when your friend became your in-law? How did you handle it? You may wish to share your experience with other readers.

ID

Love on behalf of Havilla. 

This is a topic that always draws divergent views from people, depending on who one is speaking with. Man is a social being, and therefore his/her conduct is bound to be viewed from divergent angles. Being complex, several organisations have had to draw up guidelines on interactions between members. For the purpose of this article, we are examining relationships between males and females in a work environment, which naturally can be controversial.

Take Lara and Emeka, both working in different departments of a top insurance company in the city. As a consequence of work related interactions they developed a relationship.One thing led to another and they started dating. Both Emeka and Lara were A-listers in their different departments, and the Human Resources Director had to call both in for a discussion having noticed their level of intimacy. “Emeka, it is no longer news that there seems to be a level of fondness between you and Lara. But as you both know, the office frowns at office romance because of the often ugly consequences which may impact negatively on general discipline. You may wish to consider the option of either of you resigning or being seconded to a sister organisation especially if you intend to have a closer relationship. Please take your time and let us know as quickly as possible.” After conferring with one another Emeka and Lara opted for the transfer of Lara to a sister company, got married and are blessed with two children.

The public sector on the other hand, does not interfere in the personal relationship between members of staff provided such relationship would not negatively impact staff discipline. This culture extends to the military and paramilitary services. There are however rules and regulations on conduct and what could be termed as misconduct. Acts of misconduct will always attract consequences. While the public service does not discourage interpersonal relationships, it frowns against sexual harassment of any form.

Tunde, a controller in a government agency in Kano, married with three children, was living alone as his family remained in Ibadan. He therefore regularly visited Ibadan in order to be with members of his family. He soon met Atinuke, a single lady senior executive in the same agency who was newly transferred from Lagos to Kano. Both met at the motor park one day and from their discussions realised a mutual challenge – loneliness. That was the onset of a romance that caused tongues to wag at the office. Since office romance was not considered misconduct, people minded their business. This was not for too long as Tunde’s wife unexpectedly barged into the office one day to lodge a complaint regarding a rumour that had filtered to her ears about the affair between her husband, Tunde and his colleague. It took some administrative expertise to douse the tension, and the Zonal Director helped to obtain transfer for Tunde to Ibadan, so as to be close to his family.   

In the case of Tamuno, a manager in the state ministry of agriculture who had recently lost his wife Abby in a fatal auto accident, he had to rely on his niece to help out with his two children. Tam, was good – looking and a dream husband for many ladies, but he was very careful to keep away from office romance.

Sotonye, a family friend and a close associate of Tamuno felt concerned for her family friend. “Tam, are you not considering settling down again? You can’t mourn forever.” “I know I won’t mourn forever, but it is not easy to socialise, especially having been away from the turf for some time” replied Tamuno.

“Have you ever considered dating someone, even in the office? There are quite a number of nice ladies from whom you can find a good companion and eventually a life partner” continued Sotonye. “It has never crossed my mind, and anyway, I’ll be the last to get involved in a scandal of sexual harassment. That will kill me”, Tam responded. “Of course, if it is mutually agreeable, there can’t be a case of sexual harassment, Tam” Sotonye replied. “There’s great difficulty in determining if a woman is interested in a relationship. A wrong move, and a man can be accused of sexual harassment” Tam replied haltingly. “You may be correct there Tam, but I’m a woman and I work in the HR Department. I know quite a few who give you the ‘come get me’ sign. If you look well, you’ll notice. However, it would be unprofessional for me to tell you that a specific person could be interested in you,” Sotonye encouraged.

So, this is the dilemma in office relationships. The scenarios and dynamics are as varied as the personalities and environment. Some end in bliss while others end in heartaches. Who makes the first move doesn’t necessarily determine who is more interested.

It would be nice to hear comments from our readers, what are your thoughts?

Love, ID.

On behalf of Havila   

               It is my pleasure to be a guest writer on this inspiring blog Havilla. Let me confess that I’ve been an avid reader right from inception and have gained tremendously from the rich lessons shared in the different episodes. It is indeed therefore a bit of a coincidence that I’m debuting on a topic not too different from where our dear Havilla stopped to take a much-needed break, Celebration of Women.

               I will be discussing the above title from a masculine perspective of the “Woman Wrapper”. This term is used to describe a man under the undue or negative influence of the woman around him, or someone who can easily be swayed by a woman; a mummy’s boy, or perhaps a lily-livered man who does not possess his own mind. In most cases, it is not complimentary. It suggests a boy/man who is tied to the apron strings of his mother/wife.

               However, experience has shown that nature is a good balancer. Most men are usually influenced by women in their lives: mothers, wives, sisters, and daughters.

Ronke is an only girl child among her four brothers. Their daddy was a strict person, and a mere look in the direction of the children was enough for them to swallow any request for favour from their daddy. As they grew, the boys noticed while they didn’t have the courage to ask for things from their father, Ronke could literally get anything by just asking from their daddy, and she was hardly ever refused. Therefore the boys devised a means of being nice to their sister who would be the one to place their requests before their father. The boys therefore discovered the key to getting their requests from their father was Ronke, their sister.

               In a similar situation, Ohita the first born and only female of five children is seen as the “second mummy” in the house in terms of influence. The younger brothers often if not always, seek her help whenever they need fovour from their father, especially if they need to attend parties. Experience has taught them that Ohita, their sister is the key to opening the door of possibility from their father, otherwise his response will likely be negative.

               Mothers are also very important and wield a lot of influence over their sons. In the Bible, we are told of the story of the first miracle performed by Jesus which was inspired by the mother. The story goes that during a wedding event, the hosts were running out of wine. I think experience had taught them that it was easier to reach Jesus whose help they sought, through his mother, Mary, than directly going to him. That was what they did, and the desired result was achieved as Jesus obliged his mother, and consequently, the request of the wedding hosts.

               Several examples abound of men who get approached indirectly through their mothers because of the influence people know these mothers wield over their powerful sons. Just look around, we have political and business titans and people have devised means of getting to them through their mothers.

               A complex interpersonal relationship involving a mother, her daughter and a powerful man can be found in the Bible story when a powerful King Herod sought to reward his stepdaughter for her dancing prowess and asked her to make any demand. The young girl ran to her mother for advice, and the latter responded that she should demand for the head of John the Baptist! The King was helpless as he could not change his word.

               However, it is not always that the influence of women on a man is negative. Let’s look at the situation of one of the most powerful men in recent world history, Barack Obama. He was raised by his mother after his father left them. The greatest influence on Obama was not even his mother but his maternal grandmother.  This was evidenced by the spectacle of Barack Obama in tears at the climax of his presidential campaign when it dawned on him that his influential maternal grandmother would not be alive to witness his swearing-in as President of the USA, which would have been a fitting reward for raising a remarkable man.

               Fast forward, Obama got married to an equally remarkable lady, Michelle Robinson, and both are blessed with two lovely daughters, Malia and Sasha. This is one great world leader whose source of immediate strength has been women, and there is not a speck of controversy in his conduct during and after his presidency, quite unlike many of his peers.

                One may therefore conclude this piece by saying it might actually be a good thing to be a “Woman Wrapper” particularly where the female influencer elicits positive energy from the man. Men tied with such wrappers, will not fall.

ID

All my love,

On behalf of

Havila

Havila wishes to appreciate ID who has not only been an avid reader of my blog but has often contributed his views, comments, and writing expertise in refining and shaping the course of my writing. I suddenly realized I needed some time away from the blog and would have “escaped for about a month, but ID volunteered to step in. For his intervention, I am indeed grateful, and I hope more of my readers will be willing to share their talents in this space as led to do so.

Two Sundays ago, I was seated next to Sally in church when the children from Sunday school/children’s church approached their parents in the congregation to hand over their Mothering Sunday gifts. As Gwen approached her mum with a wide smile and a hug, she handed over a beautifully painted card and whispered “Happy Mother’s Day mom.” Gwen responded with a smile and gently corrected…”Mothering Sunday, love.”

After the church service, at the car park, one of the children – Meme was asking his mum, “mummy, how come there are 2 Mother’s Day every year and only one Father’s Day?” His mother turned around and smiled with the words “aunty Havilah will address that question”. I gently parried the question with a promise to give a detailed answer the next Sunday. I needed to do some research. So the explanation which is replicated below is culled from fromyoutcome.com – The story behind Mothering Sunday and Mother’s Day.

Mothering Sunday is celebrated on the fourth Sunday in Lent especially across the United Kingdom and Ireland while Mother’s Day occurs on the second Sunday in May and is largely celebrated in the USA as a National day to celebrate mothers.

Mothering Sunday started off around the 16th century in the UK as a time when people returned to their mother church where they were baptised, their local parish or Cathedral. It later metamorphosed into a date when servants could meet with their mothers and family and get together, often picking flowers on their way to church to present as gifts to their mothers. This religious tradition evolved into the Mothering Sunday secular tradition of gifting mothers on the fourth Sunday in Lent.

In the early 20th century, Anna Jarvis held a memorial to honoured her own mother in her church in West Virginia, USA. This event marked the first official observance of Mother’s Day. In 1914, the President of the USA made a proclamation making the second Sunday of May as the official date of a national day to celebrate mothers.

Inspired by Anna Jarvis’ efforts, Constance Penswick-Smith created the Mothering Sunday Movement in the UK and started a renewal of the Mothering Sunday. That day became celebrated both as Mother’s Day and Mothering Sunday in the UK and Ireland. Both celebrations have therefore become mixed up and many people think they are the same thing. Most other countries outside of the UK and Ireland, celebrate Mother’s Day rather than Mothering Sunday.

Havilah hopes that this expose into the origins of the two days will give us all a better understanding. Nevertheless, whether it is Mothering Sunday or Mother’s Day, mothers deserve to be appreciated and celebrated everyday for the pivotal role they play in families. A toast to mothers!
Love

Havilah

Sessi sat all alone in the darkness of her bedroom oblivious of everything around her. She was deeply concerned about her mother’s health. Mama had shocked them all with her resilience after her father passed on some ten years before. They had been worried about Papa’s passing because the two of them were like conjoined twins…inseparable. Now, however, her state of health was worrisome, and although she had adequate funds in her account for medical treatment, the funds could not be accessed. Mama was mentally incapacitated as she could not even remember her signature and was unable to physically visit her bank. Sessi on her part had just expended huge sums in acquiring a property which had drained her finances while her younger brother Hotonu was just settling down having recently relocated with his family. Between them, they could not afford the medical bill for Mama. As she pondered the way forward, she remembered how several years ago, she had come home bustling with vigor and ideas from a seminar she had attended on – preparing for old age.

She had shared the information learned with enthusiasm but the response across the room from her parents and only sibling had been deafening silence. Later. Hotonu had castigated her for what he termed “Insensitivity.” “Come on sis, who in the world discusses preparing for death?” he had asked. The seminar had identified Health Insurance as a necessity for the aging and aged as statistics had shown that medical bills constitute a large spend for the aged. It also discussed the need to have a co-signatory to bank accounts to smooth hiccups from irregular signatures and a situation where the original owner of the account may not easily access his/her funds as a result of disability or even death.

As she reminisced, she recalled the example of a lady whose father had died simply because they could not rapidly access the funds in his account because of disability. On the other hand, someone had mentioned that his father had requested that he be buried within a week of passing and one of the children had since been made a cosignatory, making accessibility to funds seamless. It was therefore easy at the father’s passing to access funds needed for his burial. The issue of wills, trusts, and deeds of gifts were also discussed regarding the devolution of properties to beneficiaries of a deceased person.

Sessi dragged herself back from her thoughts to the reality on the ground. What would she do about Mama’s situation? She could not just fold her arms and watch. What was most painful was the fact that the funds for treatment were available in Mama’s account but could not be accessed. If for that reason Mama could not be treated and passes on, she doubted that she could live with that on her conscience. She purposed to make a case at the bank and an appeal to enable access to the funds for her treatment. If only Mama had made her a co-signatory when her health started failing, it would have been a different story now. Was it an issue of mistrust, ignorance, or just a refusal to accept the obvious? Whatever the reason, she knew better now and purposed to harness her training and exposure to prepare herself for aging and, ultimately death.

The recalcitrance towards discussing death and considering it a taboo will need to change. Quite often within the African setting, people consider discussing issues relating to death or preparing for death as a taboo. However, as Shakespeare put it in his epic book Julius Caesar, – “It seems to me most strange that men should fear, seeing death, a necessary end, will come when it will come.” Truth be told, preparing for old age and/or death, only eases the flow both for the aging and their caregivers/children. May the Lord grant us the wisdom to do the right things at the right times and expose us to relevant information for our circumstances.

Love

Havilah