Ajua hears the door bell and lets in three of her classmates – Angie, Bambam and Esosa. It is the 1982 – 1987 class set meeting and Ajua is hosting. Angie is the first to flounce into the living room but Bambam, immediately heads for the dinner table which is well laid out with delicious goodies. She opens dish after dish and exclaims…”Wow Ajua, what a spread and it sure looks good and smells good. I can’t wait for the meeting to be over to tantalise my palate with this cassava fufu and banga soup. Are those periwinkles I see and gosh this jollof rice looks really rich and different.” She continues to appraise each of the dishes until Esosa quips “Is this the Nigerian or Ghanaian jollof? I guess today will be the decider on which is tastier”. After picking their preferred drinks the four of them settle to await the arrival of other members of the set for the meeting.

Angie speaks for the first time – “Ajua girl, you are really prepared for us o. Your caterer must be good – with so much variety and on time too”.

Ajua replies – “The boys will be thrilled to hear these compliments o. My three boys took over the kitchen and cooked up a storm. I only flew in from my workshop yesterday night and trust me, I was too tired to do much, except arrange for dessert. They had earlier agreed the menu with me during the week, and kept true to their promise”.

Bambam quickly cuts in – “Ajua, tell me you are kidding. How do you mean your boys? I can’t believe boys can do this…even the fufu”?

Ajua continues – “What do you do in my circumstances? I have three boys and no girl child. With time it became increasingly difficult to get good house-helps. Also, Misan (my husband) was not comfortable with having female maids as the boys reached puberty and I didn’t want a male help hanging around the house. I had to train the boys to be self sufficient and domesticated. After-all…I can’t kill myself. I also feel it prepares them for the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and beyond”.

Esosa adds – “Yes o. No girlfriends can bluff them”.

Ajua resumes – “Interestingly, I see it as an asset for their potential wives. I expect them to give necessary support and assistance to their wives as conditions demand”.

Angela chips in –  “You have a point there. I never really saw it that way you know. Dudu , my only girl of the three children constantly complains that I leave all the household chores to her while the boys can hardly keep their rooms neat. It’s always Dudu this or Dudu that”.

Bambam takes a deep breath and says “Ajua…thanks for the insight. My children are still quite young so I will take a cue from you in raising my only son”.

Esosa gushes – “Today, the ladies seem to be faring better in their careers and in the workplace. They seem better able to  multitask  without dropping the ball. Could it be that we have trained the girls to fit so much into their day that they learn early how to organise themselves and juggle their tasks efficiently to achieve the desired results. This translates into commendable performance at work as they are better organised and prepared to think on their feet without balking in the face of unexpected challenges”.

Bambam ends the discussion just as three other classmates come through the door: “I really think this should make for a good after dinner discussion for the house. Maybe we should raise both sexes with similar values after-all we say “What a man can do a woman can do also” and the women are proving it. Why not vice versa”?

If you were at the set meeting after dinner discussion, what would be your view? Please don’t hesitate to write your comment below or e-mail it to havilahspeaks@gmail.com.

Love

Havilah

Modele and Andrew have been married for two years and have a seemingly perfect marriage with Modele’s 9 to 5 well paying job in an advertising agency while Andrew works with a Multinational company as an Executive Director in charge of the African Sub-Region. Consequently, Andrew’s work schedule involves short lived but frequent overseas tours within the African continent. They both agreed to hold out for two years after marriage before having children, in order to secure their careers.

Given Andrew’s increasing absence from home, Modele decides to spend more time at work to advance her career. As she does this, she receives increasing company from Bodun, a widowed colleague, who is the Creative Director. They start off a platonic friendship which gradually changes course. He starts by lending a hand at Modele’s home with innocuous tasks like changing burnt light  bulbs, fixing faulty gadgets, fixtures and fittings, car repairs etc. Out of boredom, they go for the occasional movie and Modele finds herself opening up to Bodun on intimate and personal issues. She begins to rely on him for counsel on matters that relate to her relationship with Andrew and his family as well as decisions on most aspects of her life. She looks forward to his calls, messages and occasional visits with excitement and there is a connection. She realises that she no longer misses Andrew but rather looks forward to his trips as a time to connect with Bodun. Of course , she tends to compare Bodun with Andrew , and catches herself increasingly thinking of Bodun and caring about him. Even when Andrew is around she sneaks around the house to make contact with Bodun through calls and texts. Her Christian upbringing however prevents her from any sexual interaction outside her marriage but she feels frustrations fighting her emotions.

One Saturday evening, her dear Aunty Molly calls to inform her that she would be attending a week long workshop in her city –  Abuja, and would like to stay with her for the week especially since Andrew was away. Modele was ecstatic. This would give her the much needed opportunity to discuss Bodun and her emotional entanglement  with her pragmatic young Aunty Molly.

True to her word, Aunty Molly arrives the next day  and after settling her in, Aunty Molly in her characteristic manner asks : “Dele dear, what’s new and how is work? Any gist”?

Discussions start off with work and Modele tells Aunty Molly about Bodun and excitedly describes their friendship and the void his relationship fills.  After 42 minutes of listening Aunty Molly clears her throat and says…”Hmm…my dear daughter, it appears to me you are playing with fire. This is a classic case of ”emotional adultery”.

Modele replies in a daze, “Haba…adultery aunty? We have not had that level of interaction. Aunty, no sex is involved! I just feel extremely comfortable with him and can broach ANY matter with him. He always has workable solutions, he is witty and empathetic”.

Aunty Molly asks “Is Andrew aware of this… “friend?”

Modele replies “…Well, he knows him as a colleague but, aunty, you know Andrew, he can be jealous. I can’t tell him o”.

Aunty Molly chides her niece “Dele, Dele, Dele…how many times did I call you? Listen and listen good. What you are doing with Bodun is playing with fire! You are having an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR which amounts to Emotional Infidelity/adultery because you are a married woman. Let me break it down for you.

As a Christian you know adultery is unacceptable to God. It is also a legal offence punishable under the country’s Penal code and Sharia Law (which is applicable in the Northern part of the country) although it only serves as a ground for Divorce in the Southern parts. That means, Andrew can use Adultery as a basis for divorce.

What is Adultery?  Adultery can be defined as voluntary sexual relations in which at least one participant is married to someone else.

In the absence of sexual relations, can there be adultery?  This is where EMOTIONAL ADULTERY comes into play. In Matt. 5:28, the bible states “But I say to you everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. This shows that you don’t have to have sexual intercourse before you commit adultery. The mere thought of it suffices. The important thing here is the intention not necessarily the act. The word of God also teaches us to “Flee from all appearances of evil”. What do you think anyone who saw you at the Cinema with Bodun would think?  That qualifies as an “appearance of evil” my daughter. Sin starts from the seemingly harmless and then dwells in the mind before it is acted out. Every unholy act proceeds from the mind. It should therefore be clear to you now that you don’t have to be involved in a sexual relationship to be in an adulterous one.  

That said, how do you identify Emotional Infidelity? The emphasis here dear Dele, is on the word emotional. It occurs when an innocent platonic friendship starts arousing romantic feelings and inclinations even without physical interaction. It is a relationship you prefer to keep concealed especially from your spouse,  you are more comfortable discussing your challenges or problems with “your friend” rather than your spouse and you end up neglecting your partner’s emotional, physical or psychological needs. It also showcases in your call or chat log with such “friend” being lengthier than that with your husband.When these happen, it is time to analyse the purport of such relationship. Dele, I hope you now understand where I am headed.

Emotional infidelity is not something that one is intentional about but it slowly creeps in on you as it starts by filling a void you may not even have realised existed until you start relating with each other. It is indeed common in many marriages at one point or the other but it is important to recognise it for what it is – A dangerous carrot NOT to be swallowed –  as it can actually consume the marriage.

Having identified it, you must consciously address it in order to save your marriage.  It is certainly easier to prevent yourself from falling into the crevice of emotional infidelity provided you recognise the symptoms but once you are already in it, the next best thing is to scamper out of the crevice before Andrew even catches a whiff of it because its effect can be as devastating as actual physical adultery. Dele dear, I am not crucifying you for where you find yourself because many marriages easily fall into this snare, but you must  identify it for what it is, an evidence of a fissure in your marriage that must be fixed to enjoy the sanctitity and harmony of marriage. Modele ruminated over Aunty Molly’s admonition and made up her mind to do three things:

1. Deliberately cut off her interactions with Bodun and intimate him of her decision.
2. Discuss the impact of Andrew’s frequent travels with him and collectively navigate a solution.
3. Prepare her mind for children while sourcing better ways of being occupied when Andrew has to  travel.

Love

Havilah

Hilda, class President of the College graduating class of 1994, has been saddled with the responsibility of addressing the class meeting on any topical issue of her choice. Having wrestled with her choices, she settles for a discussion on RETIREMENT given that most of her audience are in their fifties and would be close to retirement from employment or active service. A summary of her presentation is encapsulated below:

“WHAT IS RETIREMENT? The Oxford Languages defines retirement as “the action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work “among other definitions. This is the most relevant to our discussion. I would however revise the definition as follows: Voluntary cessation of active involvement in any employment for which some fiduciary reward acted as an incentive.  You may however retire from a job but take on another or be involved in a not-so-active state (semi-retirement).

WHY SHOULD WE RETIRE? I believe there are 3 key reasons for retirement.

1. To enable the body much-needed rest as we age and slow down our pace in line with our body mechanism. With the advancement in age, the effect of stress can be daunting.
2. To allow us time to do the things we would love to do but which had been hitherto constrained by our busy lifestyle.
3. To allow for younger talent to grow and mature. Development of the ”generation next”.

CAN YOU PREPARE FOR RETIREMENT? It is important to prepare for retirement because it often involves a paradigm shift from erstwhile activities and lifestyles. Whether retirement is voluntary (usually early retirement) or statutory (attaining a stipulated age or number of years in service), there is a need to prepare as retirement rarely comes as a surprise, unless in the event of an accident, redundancy, or debilitating illness.

WHEN DO YOU START THE PREPARATION? The usual advice is to start preparing for retirement immediately after you start your first job. Even though this usually looks unachievable, it is possible even as you commence multiple streams of income and start investments that can help cushion the loss of income that is associated with retirement. As a young person, you can start with savings and Insurance policies that enable you to put away monthly sums. The truth is that it is never too early to start building up your financial security. Conversely, it is never too late to start, provided it is before you actually retire. Often, the lack of preparation or inadequate preparation for retirement leads to taking on another job later in life when you should be enjoying the benefits of retirement. As retirement beckons, there is a natural fear of the unknown but that fear can be cushioned where one is adequately prepared.

WHAT ARE THE AREAS OF CONCERN? There are three principal areas of concern and these fears border on:

1. Boredom – What will keep one occupied both mentally and physically when work stops/ends. How do you handle the “empty nest syndrome.” What do you do for company and companionship, especially where you have lost a spouse either through death or divorce?
2. Health Challenges – These usually set in with the aging process. Where do you get relevant care and help and at what cost? With age, the cost of maintaining good health rises. Will you need a caregiver or is a hospice an option?
3. Finances – How do you maintain a responsible and comfortable lifestyle with the loss of regular income? Can you maintain your erstwhile standard of living?

HOW CAN THESE FEARS BE ADDRESSED?

Boredom: Take retirement as the time to do the things you always wanted to do but which had taken the back burner as a result of work. Pursue your hobbies and interests e.g. traveling, knitting, volunteer work, etc. If it brings in a little income, it is a plus. Use the time also to tidy your affairs e.g. legal documentation for your investments – stock, property, investments, etc. Remarry for companionship, spend more time with the grandchildren, foster a child, etc.

Health Challenges: Sign up for Medical Insurance through the Health Maintenance Organisations (HMOs) which are private companies that provide Health Insurance on payment of an annual premium. As in all insurance, this entitles you to medical cover as contained in your policy. This insures you against serious ailments and illness whereby the HMO bears the cost provided your premium is fully paid and up to date. Although there is a National Health Insurance Scheme in Nigeria it is largely ineffective. However, more recently Lagos State commenced a Lagos State Health Scheme (LSHS) towards affordable health coverage for Lagos State residents.

Finances: Over the years, a diversified investment portfolio comprising any or a combination of the following is important – Rental income, Equity, Money market Instruments, Commodities,  foreign investment, and most recently cryptocurrencies. Where in doubt, employ the services of a Financial Adviser/Consultant.

Usually, when you retire from a structured work environment, you are entitled to end-of-service benefits whereby you can opt for pension or annuity payment through an insurance firm. The pros and cons of each option must be carefully weighed in determining your preference. Kindly discuss this with your PFA (Pension Fund Administrator).

Retirement should signify your best years ever but this can only be so if adequate preparation is made for this period of one’s life.

Thank you for listening.”

Love

Havilah

Omotara is an upwardly mobile banker with a First generation bank and is married to Abdul. They have two lovely children aged four and two respectively, capably handled by a reliable and efficient maid named Emem. Both children are usually taken to their  school nearby by Emem and picked up after school hours by her.

Trouble erupted when Emem lost her mother and had to travel to Eket for the burial. This took her away for a whole week. On the second day of her absence, Omotara woke up early, prepared the children for school, fixed breakfast for all and dropped them off at school with instructions to Abdul, to pick them from school and drop them off at their grandma’s place, from where she would pick them on her way home. This was agreed by both parties seeing as Abdul, a partner with a Structural Engineering firm ten minutes drive from home, worked flexible hours.

Omotara was shocked to receive a call from the children’s school at about 4pm, three hours after school was over, informing her that the children were yet to be picked up. She placed a call to Abdul who unfortunately could not be reached so she had to truncate her meeting so as to pick them to grandma’s place. She returned to work and later picked them from grandma’s house en-route home.

She arrived home only to find Abdul in front of the television munching on some fruits and sipping some water.  Upon seeing her, he immediately demanded his supper and Omotara barely reined in her anger as she went into the kitchen to fix dinner for both of them.The children were already bathed and fed at grandma’s place. She gasped in exasperation as she discovered that the breakfast dishes/plates were still in the sink unwashed. She immediately set dinner in motion while doing the dishes and succeeded in putting the children to bed. After serving Abdul his dinner, she walked into their bedroom to find his work clothes strewn all over the bed which had not been made since they left home. At that point, anger erupted and she summoned Abdul with a loud yell. The following exchange then occurred:

Omotara: “Abdul…you are damn irresponsible. First, you did not pick the children from school like you were supposed to and you have not followed up to find out when, and how they were picked up or where they were. Worse still, you got in long before I did yet you did not think of rendering assistance by doing the dishes or even the bed. Instead, you sat waiting for me to come in and get you dinner. You are so inconsiderate and uncaring. Emem is away and you know the nature of my work, the least you can do is render a little assistance to ease the burden.”

Abdul retorts: “ I don’t understand what the ranting is about! Since when did it become a man’s responsibility to keep home. Yes, I forgot to pick the children, after all, it is not part of my usual routine and it was an honest omission.  My responsibility to you as a man is to provide your financial needs and I do that so that makes me responsible. I also satisfy you sexually I believe. What more do you expect from me? It is your business to meet my needs, take care of the home and children and it is up to you to find a way of coping”.

The altercation got Omotara thinking deeply as to the roles of husband and wife and she found herself recalling an earlier conversation with her childhood friend Derin, who was insistent on finding a husband with the “right attitude to roles in marriage”. Derin touted a theory that most young men are spoilt and lack a sense of responsibility as well as the ability to be selfless. In Derin’s words “They are self centred , self indulgent and self seeking, putting their comfort and interest above every other person inclusive of their children. They feel marriage is all about providing financial support and sexual obligations rarely realising that the woman is in need of intimacy not sex, she expects respect for her person, assistance in working as a team, quality bonding conversations and outings etc”. Omotara however juxtaposes this view against the roles and responsibilities spelt out to them by the Chairman of their wedding reception – exactly what Abdul had recounted during their exchange.

Omotara also remembers one key sentence that resonates with her – “Make Christ the centre of your marriage”. Christ preached LOVE and the bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 that “Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it does not dishonour others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”. With that, she recalls one of her favorite Children’s Church choruses – “J-O-Y this is what it means, Jesus First, Yourself last and Others in-between”. She concludes her reflections with a self realisation and calmness that to experience JOY in her marriage, she must place Christ first and her husband before herself. She can exhibit the fruits of the Holy spirit as contained in Galatians 5:22-23. These are : Love, Joy, Peace,Patience, Kindness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Gentleness, Self-Control.  She then vows to apologise for her outburst and await a suitable time to discuss her concerns with Abdul in a more amenable manner.

Love

Havilah

It’s Fathers Day and a day to celebrate all the special men in our lives. Our Fathers, Husbands, Partners, Male friends and Sons. May the Lord make their lives worthy. Without men, women wouldn’t exist or show me a woman not conceived through a man. I doff my hat to all the fathers who understand the true calling of FATHERHOOD. God Bless You! The below poem is for you.

Love

Havilah

Aduke, Billy and Eki sit together for a chat on the deck of their Mediterranean ship cruise, sipping smoothies and juices with finger foods. Their school leaving set had arranged this reunion cruise to mark 50 years of graduation from high school. They are all in their late sixties and generally relaxed. After reminiscing over their days in school, they settle down to catch up on their current realities and status. Aduke starts by sharing the pictures of her four adorable grandchildren which are captured on her I-pad. A retired school teacher, she explains that they are the high point of her days since her husband passed on about a decade ago. She explains that her daily routine comprises waking up at 7a.m to perform her daily devotion after which she tends her garden of flowers and vegetables. Breakfast follows at about 10 a.m. consisting of a fruit of choice and healthy portions of bean derivatives like bean cake (akara), moin-moin, or ewa agoyin with corn pap or oats. After that, she updates herself with posts on her phone and e-mails before reading the news. By 1 p.m. she prepares for the driver to pick up the grandchildren from school starting with those in kindergarten, primary and secondary school, in that order. Once they are back from school, it is both physically and mentally exhausting to keep pace with their energy, their discussions, assignments, intellectual discourse, etc. She manages to take a one-hour nap at 5 p.m. She then has an early dinner at about 6.30 p.m. consisting of a decent mix of vegetables with chicken or fish. She wishes the children goodnight as their parents pick them up and she winds down by watching TV or a movie before taking her nightcap of cocoa at bedtime which is 11 p.m. Of course, she finds time for social activities especially on some weekends while her mid-week and Sunday worship service are a must.

Billy responds to Aduke with, “no wonder you are glowing with joy and fulfillment. I have always wondered about the flowers and greenery on your DP (Display Picture). They would make the best florists envious”. “As for me, since my retirement as Executive Director with the bank, I started a Financial Consultancy business which keeps me on my toes. I currently employ a staff complement of 12 persons although I am gradually taking a back seat in running the business. I have 2 senior partners and only handle referrals when I work twice in the week. I cannot miss my early morning one-hour daily walk at about 7 a.m. Exercise energises me and stimulates me mentally. My interaction with my staff who are largely youth keeps me updated and relevant to today’s world. Of course, I keep spiritually in tune by observing my “Salat” and “Jum’a” prayers and have been observing a Mediterranean diet for the last five years which has kept my weight, blood pressure and cholesterol in check. My annual medical check-up has so far given me a clean bill of health and I pray this continues. Hey Eki…the big fish, do you still swim?”

“Our darling boisterous Senior Prefect Billy, yes I still swim, though not nearly as much as I used to” Eki responds with a laugh. “You know as a Geriatrician, I take care of all of us now, in quotes. My work entails medical care of the elderly and treatment of age-related ailments. One thing however stands clear, aside from genetically transferred ailments, our quality of health is largely dependent on making the right choices e.g., eating the right foods, abstaining from harmful habits, developing the right exercise regimen, Proper sleep and rest habits, indulging in mental stimulation, maintaining spiritual and social relationships, etc. In simple terms, indulging in the right lifestyle, devoid of unnecessary stress and rancour. Even where we have a genetic predisposition to an ailment, it can be managed by adopting the right lifestyle changes”.

Eki continues “clearly, we all have different thresholds and must each discover what works for us and gives us the right level of wellness. My rule of the thumb is to do everything in moderation having in mind that what I consider moderate, you may find excessive. Some of the more general rules are as follows:

1. Reduce consumption of red meat and include more vegetables and fruit in your diet. Vitamin Supplements are also a useful addition. Drink lots of water to prevent dehydration.
2. Reduce sugar and salt and other additives and derivatives as well as the consumption of flour products.
3. Try to exercise moderately daily. An exercise regimen that does not involve much strain is recommended e.g., walking, household chores, gardening, etc.
4. Sleep for about 8 hours daily.
5. Indulge in mentally stimulating exercises including games and quizzes that require mental involvement.
6. Social interactions and giving back to society/the community.
7. Regularly check your vital signs and have a comprehensive annual medical check-up.
8. Spiritual engagement on a regular basis.

However, as in all things, we can only play our part and trust God for the rest”.

Love

Havilah

Gender-based violence is a topical issue with much emphasis placed on the physical aspect which is usually more visible and evident. However, emotional abuse is much more prevalent and just as damaging as physical abuse, more subtle, but impactful and often resulting in gaslighting and the erosion of self-esteem. Let us take a simple definition of Emotional abuse. It is defined as a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame or otherwise manipulate them. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviour that wear down a person’s self-esteem and undermine their mental health. If you feel wounded, frustrated, confused, misunderstood, depressed, anxious, angry, or worthless anytime you interact, chances are high that your relationship is emotionally abusive. Emotional abuse can take a variety of forms e.g., accusations of cheating or other signs of jealousy, possessiveness such as isolating you from family and friends, gaslighting, shaming or blaming, the silent treatment, name-calling, verbal abuse, trivializing the person’s concerns, withholding affection and attention among others.

Take the case of three friends on a girls’ lunch date. After exchanging their usual pleasantries and making their orders, they quickly settle down to share their frustrations as a coping mechanism in their marriages.

Celeine sighs as she confides in her friends Peri and Alero, that Jim (her husband) has recently thwarted her effort to take a job insisting that she cannot be allowed to work. Celeine who has a Master’s degree in ICT was a course mate of Jim’s during her Master’s program. Shortly after marriage, Jim insisted that Celeine forget about work as he would provide all her needs and luxuries, she should concentrate on keeping home, administering to his needs and taking care of the children. This she accepted and obeyed but as the children became more independent with age, all efforts to obtain his consent for employment have been fruitless. “What is more frustrating is that I depend on him for everything and I mean everything, down to cosmetics, feminine needs, etc. Consequently, if I need to help my younger ones, family members, or friends, I must ask him and I am subject to his whims and caprices. Sometimes, some requests are not only rebuffed but accompanied by insults and abuse. It is so humiliating. “

Peri quickly interjects, “at least Jim provides your needs. Gogo (my husband) is quite the opposite. Since losing his job over eight years ago, he has been totally dependent on me for everything. He does nothing except laze around the house leaving every expenditure for me to handle, whether major or minor. I even cater to his personal needs – the shirt on his back…I buy it. Yet, he is overly jealous and possessive. Career-related engagements, training workshops and meetings are met with a strained relationship. Innuendos and insinuations of infidelity are made regarding my upward advancement. The strides I have made in terms of upward mobility are at a cost and were only achieved by me shutting out all the negativity and rancour from home. The worst part is that he constantly cheats on me and when accosted, attributes it to the time I spend building up my career and meeting our financial needs. I even got a few slaps until I threatened to walk out of the marriage if the physical assault continued.”

Alero quietly adds ‘’hmm, with Akpan, you don’t argue or chastise him regardless of the offence. The reaction is to cut off all financial support especially neglecting his responsibilities to the children and starving me of intimacy. He is an unrepentant womaniser with absolutely no scruples and anytime I question his activities, he turns the tables on me telling me I am illogical and making me lose confidence in my reasoning abilities. He then proceeds to cut off his financial support, stops eating at home and neglects his other responsibilities in “protest”. Previous attempts to involve members of his extended family in resolving issues only worsened the situation.”

Madam Jenny, the owner of the Bistro where they met, walks up to their table and mentions that she had unwittingly overheard their conversation and had identified that they are all victims of emotional abuse in their marriages. She informs them that this form of abuse is quite common though more subtle and less reported than the physical form, but equally lethal. It attacks the mental health of the victim.

She states “In prior times, our mothers would advise that you bear it in patience. This has however been known to have psychological consequences. It is important therefore to do the following:

1. Recognise it for what it is. Emotional abuse/violence.
2. Stop trying to please the abuser. Concentrate on your wellbeing”. She continues,

“Celeine, I think you should take up a job. You can try to convince Jim with superior arguments as to the essence by massaging his ego, using persons with persuasive authority over him or simply taking the bull by the horns and expecting things to settle later.

Peri, do not try to assuage Gogo’s feelings when you are certain his accusations and reactions are borne out of jealousy. Communicate your boundaries as you did with the physical abuse (slaps) and become oblivious to his abuse. If he continues and you can’t handle it, seek the assistance of a Marriage Counsellor and if that fails, walk away.

Alero, unfortunately, your husband is gaslighting you. Gaslighting occurs when someone is manipulated by psychological means into doubting their own sanity. It is reverse psychology. Counseling should help and if it doesn’t you may need to work out an exit plan.”

All three of them thanked her and promised to consider her advice.

Love

Havilah

All the hype and excitement of MOTHER’S DAY is over but that begets the question, WHO REALLY IS A MOTHER? While listening to a Mother’s Day message recently, I found myself asking the above question among others.

THE ORIGIN: Both the Holy Bible and the Holy Quran reverence the role of motherhood and so do our various cultures. Gen.3.16 NLT version of the bible refers to the procreative role of the woman and states “…I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy and in pain, you will give birth”. Similarly, the Holy Quran 46:15 refers to the pain of birthing children. Both books also refer to the process of weaning children with references to Isaac and Samuel in the Bible and to the Quran 31:14. Does it, therefore, follow that all women are mothers and conversely so?

To enable us a better understanding, we will consider some definitions and roles.

DEFINITIONS: The keywords in that question are “Women” and “Mothers”.

A WOMAN is an adult female human being as defined by Oxford languages and Google.

A MOTHER on the other hand can be defined as a woman in relation to her child or children (Noun). Please note that it does not prefix child or children with the word biological.

The verb definition however describes what she does as a female human being who either gives birth to an offspring and/ or brings up (nurtures and mentors) a child with care and affection. This, therefore, presupposes that not all mothers give birth to offspring. Some only nurture and mentor other women’s children.

CLASSES OF MOTHER: There are therefore a minimum of five categories of mothers who play the role of mothering and every woman falls into a minimum of one category:

1. Biological Mother (She could be married or single)
2. Adoptive Mother (Legal adoption)
3. Foster Mother (Informal arrangement)
4. Stepmother (A result of marrying a divorced or widowed father)
5. Spiritual Mother (One who superintends over spiritual matters)

Do we, therefore, see mothering as a Task or a call?

A task is a piece of work to be done or undertaken. A Calling
on the other hand stems out of an internal passion requiring responsibility and commitment to making an impact in the lives of the children you mother. It is a passion from within which pervades the exterior in action, impacting lives.

A quotation on The Call to serve our families culled from the book – The Leadership Gap – by Lolly Daskal reads “Make sure those you love know you’re there for them, even when they are not there for you. If you are called to serve you show up with the best of what you have to offer – and when it comes to serving our families, there’s no such thing as going too far”.

Therefore, the most important function common to all classes of mothers is that of nurturing and mentoring with care and affection. In the process of training a child, discipline is often necessary, and most often it is better appreciated later in the child’s life, Proverbs13:24 says “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. A mother who exhibits the right mix of love attention and discipline will have her children rise up and call her blessed and her memory will continually be a blessing.

THE POSER: Gbeminiyi is confused as to who to invite for her graduation. She is entitled to only one invitee. Her mother left her with her father when she was six years old and eloped with a lover. Her stepmother played the role of a loving mother and even paid her fees when her father passed on. Her mother has been reaching out to her in recent times and she is torn between acknowledging her Stepmother and her biological mother especially since she must choose one over the other for the occasion. A difficult decision but what would you advise? Please place your comments on the blog or revert to me in person through havilahspeaks@gmail.com.

I doff my hat to all TRUE mothers and potential mothers as well as fathers who have had to play dual roles as father and mother. May their labor of love never go unrewarded.

Love

Havilah

All hands are on deck for Tundun’s wedding to Dejumo. Her three friends and flatmates – Brenda, Jedidah and Ihuoma (together classified as her “bestos”) are excited and x-raying the events of the past twelve months that have resulted in this long-desired event. Tundun, now 32, had experienced three prior relationships which had all ended in disappointment with very traumatic experiences for Tundun. All three had been people she knew in school or had met in her working career and she had physical interactions with them, their friends and family. Her friends were sceptical therefore when Tundun announced to them about twelve months back, that she had met Dejumo on Facebook and had decided to meet him in person after numerous chats and video calls. Tundun took the one-hour flight to Port Harcourt from Lagos, just to meet with Dejumo physically, early in their relationship. The three-day weekend sojourn in Port Harcourt was enough to settle her mind to give him a chance. The relationship grew stronger and both parties were convinced that they had common objectives, interests and values and were willing to give marriage their all.

As the “bestos” chatter excitedly, they review their single status and the options open to them as regards meeting their potential partners.

Brenda sighs: “I wonder what the young men are looking for these days. You meet with them at work, weddings and church, enjoy discussions and each other’s company, yet all they do is friendzone you. As Ladies, we can’t afford to be brazen about our interests so what do you do where the guy does not show interest. Na wa o”.

Jedidah replies: “What do you say about those who seem to show interest then tactically withdraw just when you think they will pop the question and get down to proposing? The next thing you know, they are getting married or you find out they were married all along”.

Ihuoma adds: “I keep wondering what chances we have with all the pandemic hullaballoo, limiting movement, events and interactions. The last two years kept things in limbo because of all the COVID restrictions. Thank God, things are finally getting relaxed and interactions are gradually being reinstated.

Brenda interjects: “Yes o. Thank God we can get to meet one another again. However, given Tundun’s success with Dejumo, maybe we should consider internet dating possibilities”.

Jedidah immediately opens the Google Search engine and reels out Wikipedia’s information regarding the subject.

WHAT IS INTERNET DATING:

“Since the 2010s, Internet dating has become more popular with smartphones.

Online dating (or Internet dating) is a system that enables people to find and introduce themselves to potential connections over the Internet, usually with the goal of developing personal, romantic, or sexual relationships. An online dating service is a company that provides specific mechanisms (generally websites or software applications) for online dating through the use of Internet-connected personal computers or mobile devices. Such companies offer a wide variety of unmoderated matchmaking services, most of which are profile-based.

Online dating services allow users to become “members” by creating a profile and uploading personal information including (but not limited to) age, gender, sexual orientation, location, and appearance. Most services also encourage members to add photos or videos to their profile. Once a profile has been created, members can view the profiles of other members of the service, using the visible profile information to decide whether or not to initiate contact. Most services offer digital messaging, while others provide additional services such as webcasts, online chat, telephone chat (VOIP), and message boards. Members can constrain their interactions to the online space, or they can arrange a date to meet in person.

A great diversity of online dating services currently exists. Some have a broad membership base of diverse users looking for many different types of relationships. Other sites target highly specific demographics based on features like shared interests, location, religion, sexual orientation or relationship type. Online dating services also differ widely in their revenue streams. Some sites are completely free and depend on advertising for revenue. Others utilize the “freemium” revenue model, offering free registration and use, with optional, paid, premium services. Still others rely solely on paid membership subscriptions.”

WHAT ARE THE PROS AND CONS?

While online dating may be considered a veritable option for meeting profiled suitors with probability based on sheer numbers of potentials resident in all parts of the world, a lot of “catfishing” occurs with insincerity, dishonesty and lies strewn all around. It is, therefore, necessary to follow up on initial contacts on the internet with good old-fashioned physical contact. It is however noteworthy that even in physical dating, there has been observed insincerity and dishonesty, how moreso where dating is virtual.

The threesome conclude that there is no hard and fast rule – no one size fits all approach to dating as different strokes exist for different folks. Nothing beats seeking God’s face and earnestly waiting on him. He makes everything beautiful in its time. Eccl 3:11

Glossary:

Besto – A slang for a very close friend.

Friend zoning – Regarding someone solely as a friend despite their avid interest or desire for a deeper relationship.

Freemium – A business model where a company offers basic or limited features to users at no cost and then charges a premium for supplemental or advanced features.        

Catfishing – The process of luring someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona.

Reference: Wikipedia

Love                                                                                        

Havilah

It is 4pm on Saturday 20^th December and four generations of ladies from the Onakoya family are gathered to celebrate great grandma Binta Onakoya at ninety. The modest celebration is over and the ladies engage great grandma in earnest conversation.

“Maami, after the bustle of today’s celebration, I think you deserve a nap and rest. I don’t know how you manage to be so active and alert at ninety. Its incredible! At sixty two, I am already done for the day. My knees ache and I am exhausted” Zubaida quips.”Besides, this menopause menace is making me feel unusually uncomfortable these days. I need to go take a rest in an air conditioned room. By the way maami, how come you never enlightened me about the health challenges associated with the aging process – the physical and physiological changes which all require health management.  Suddenly, I can no longer do the things I used to and all I hear is change your lifestyle, diet and exercise habits.”

As Great grandma clears her throat, Dotun, who is thirty six says “Hey mom…you did the exact same thing. No pep talk about the surprises in marriage, pregnancy and even raising the children especially the teenage years. What about managing home and career….juggling both without dropping the ball? Whew….I appreciate you the more daily  as I wonder how you coped with five of us combining the role of chef, nutritionist, nurse, teacher, counsellor, disciplinarian etc, meanwhile I struggle with just two children. Now, I understand when you say – ultimately, rest is only achievable in the grave.”

Twelve year old Atonte, who had been attentive all along , chips in…”Mom, you are doing a great job of things and I see you as my role model. I love being a woman (at least that is what I expect to grow up to be), but the discomfort created by this menstrual cycle is discomfiting. Bio does not have to go through all this, it’s unfair. It demands a higher level of cleanliness and care to ensure I am not embarrassed by stains and the cramps every month…I wish I could pass on them.” Dotun responds to Atonte with an explanation. “Atonte dear, Bio is a boy and your roles are different. I know you’ve been taught about Reproduction in school. God created women to bear children, so the eggs you produce monthly are fertilised by a male sperm to enable you conceive. Each month from the age of puberty till menopause, a fresh egg is produced. Once it is not fertilised, it is shed and discarded as a menstrual flow. Therefore, the shedding of the unfertilised egg each month is what comes as the monthly menstrual cycle which can be suspended during pregnancy and resumes after childbirth.”

Great grandma Binta clears her throat and states in a clear voice.” Maybe I should share my thoughts on the cycles of a woman’s life, something to remember me by when I’m gone.” she laughed. ”I categorize the cycles women pass through into five.

1. THE GIRL CHILD (1-12years): At this stage, the girl child and boy child are much the same except that girls tend to be gentler and settle down into maturity faster. They display an innate motherly instinct which they display with their dolls and pets.They however learn to do whatever they are exposed to as well as the boy child – be it climbing trees or playing football. This is the stage at which they must be introduced to the word of God and his expectations. “Train up a child in the way she should go and when she is old she will not depart from it” –  Proverbs 22:6
2. TEENAGE/YOUTH (12 – 20years): Self consciousness sets in as she attains puberty. Physical and physiological changes occur bringing about self discovery. She subconsciously starts thinking about and preparing for marriage and child bearing/rearing while at the same time working on career moves through school or tutelage. Atonte dear, I believe you are moving to this stage and I assure you, while it can throw up its own frustrations and disappointments, it is a period of learning in all ramifications. Increased Spiritual growth.
3. WIFE/MOTHER (21 – 50years):  God prepares her emotionally and physically for the institution of marriage and its attendant responsibilities. Her body is prepared to take the pain associated with childbirth, the aftermath of Eve’s encounter with the Devil in the garden of Eden…Gen 3:16 of the Bible.  He also blesses the union with children, both biological and “adopted”. During this cycle, the woman also is building her career or trade, she is upwardly mobile and displays innate multi-tasking abilities. This is a period when she bustles with vigour and the energy required to train children. This cycle can only be successful if you hold steadfastly to God. Dotun….well done, Atonte attests to your success in this cycle.
4. GRANDMA (51-70years): At this point she gradually reduces her hustle and retires from a vigorous career but remains active both mentally and physically. Menopause kicks in because God knows her energy can no longer cope with bearing, rearing and training children. The body suffers from the toll of child bearing and aging so she needs to watch her diet, exercise and maintain a happy life balance. Take care of her physical health and mental health. Zubaida dear, now is the time to relax and enjoy the benefits of your past labour of love. Undoubtedly, aches and pains will arise as the body parts begin to age but you can ride with the tide and manage them. This is a time when you need peace of mind and contentment while keeping both your body and mind active. Enjoy the simple things of life, see the good in every situation and pray for family, friends, neighbors, nations…in short, pray without ceasing.
5. GREAT GRANDMA (71+years): Prepares to meet with her maker, the author and finisher of her faith. Set her house in order and protect her legacy in prayers. Eat, Rest, Enjoy life Read the Holy book and PRAY.

You must however note that there is a common thread that runs through all five cycles and that is  what I refer to as the God factor.  You must study the word, pray and fellowship with others to keep in tune with God and his plans for you at all times. He it is who makes a way where there appears to be none. Not everyone lives old enough to go through all the stages but whichever, one attains, God’s grace suffices.”

At this, great grandma Binta, kissed her ladies goodnight and settled down to a restful sleep.

Love

Havilah