It was a wet Saturday afternoon and Arit Jasper had just finished her Aria(solo) to the standing ovation of the audience at the Young Olives International School Hall. The audience comprised staff, parents and students of the school and the occasion was the Annual Musical concert. As she rounded off her last note before taking a bow, Mrs. Okolo (a parent and friend to the Jaspers) scanned the audience for Arit’s mum. Realising she was absent; she hurried to the stage and gave Arit a giant bear hug and kisses in appreciation of the performance. She also ensured the moment was captured on camera. At the end of the concert, as Mrs. Okolo was making her way out of the school premises, she saw Arit in tears with her elder sister, Eno, making failed attempts to placate her.

Mrs. Okolo stopped by and enquired about the cause of Arit’s distress at which Arit, pointing to her sister, blurted out the words “It’s all her fault. I hate her! It’s because of her mum never appreciates anything I do, regardless of how hard I try or how well I perform. She is madam perfect…always acing her subjects and clearing the school prizes. Mum has never missed a Prize-Giving Day but she never attends my concerts and drama presentations. I try so hard to be like Eno so mum can appreciate me, but the truth is …I am different… I am ME. My grades are good but not excellent. Eno is the intellectually gifted one but I am gifted in the performing arts. That is not good enough for mum as she wants me to clear prizes like Eno. Aunty …is it my fault? I wish dad were back from South Africa where he is currently posted. He understands me better. You know, I really didn’t expect mum to be here today as usual, but I guess it really got to me when I received a standing ovation and she was nowhere to be seen,” she continued between sobs. “Thank you, aunty, for saving the day, I really appreciate your coming up stage,” she ended.

Eno quickly corroborated Arit’s allegations about acts of favoritism and informed Mrs. Okolo that it was hurting their sisterly relationship. She pleaded with her to speak to their mother about it. Mrs. Okolo immediately dialed her friend and enquired “Mayen, where are you? It appears you forgot about the musical concert at the children’s school today?” She continued excitedly “You should have been here. Arit had everyone mesmerized with her voice – Mayen, she got a standing ovation! You must be so proud to have such a talented daughter. I also hear she is the livewire of the school’s theatre group”. Mayen responded that she was occupied at the shop and lacked the enthusiasm to sit through a musical concert. Nevertheless, she requested Ebere Okolo to give her daughters a hug each on her behalf and inform them she would see them on the next school visiting day. Ebere ended the conversation but not before fixing an appointment to see Mayen at her shop the next morning.

At Mayen’s shop the next morning, after the usual pleasantries and chit-chats, Ebere broaches the topic, “Mayen my dear sis, it’s about Eno and Arit. Have you noticed the build-up of some resentment between them? At yesterday’s event, I witnessed a scene and Arit is hurting really bad because she believes you are constantly pitching her in competition with Eno and you do not appreciate her effort and talents. Rather, you have a “preferred daughter” and she (Arit) can never do enough to please you. Eno also confirmed the situation. You wouldn’t want to promote strife between your God-given jewels, would you”?

Mayen responds with an emphatic shaking of the head saying “Ebere, you don’t understand. Eno is an outstanding student who makes her parents proud. What we need is for Arit to emulate her. What will she do with singing Aria’s etc. in Africa? We are not in Europe where concerts are appreciated. If she devotes the time, she spends on these other things to study, she can rival Eno’s scores. I know she is intelligent also but I don’t think she is applying herself to the right things so I show displeasure”.

Ebere responds with wise counsel “ Mayen, have you ever appreciated the beauty in diversity? We were each created to be unique and different thereby complementing each other, else it would be a very monotonous world. You should thank God that Arit is no laggard and appreciate her God-given talents that can still take her to places beyond your contemplation. The way to share your love among children equitably is to support each one in their preferred endeavour thereby appreciating their uniqueness. Treating them similarly reduces the likelihood of negative competition and sibling rivalry among them. Trust me, I know what I am saying. You know my sons Akonam and Nkem are so close yet have totally different interests. Nkem is a sportsman par excellence while Akonam plays 4 musical instruments. I am at every sports event to cheer Nkem and at every concert to applaud Akonam. In fact, they tease me by referring to me as “political mummy”, because they say I never lean in either direction concerning them. That is the way to be equitable. Similarly, I am fair in punishing negative behaviour or mannerisms”.

May God grant us wisdom in raising our children.

Love

Havilah

Priscilla jumps out of bed as she quickly silences her alarm and rushes to get ready for work. She is a midlevel manager in the bank and is recognised as a “high performer”. She takes pride in her excellent performance and is constantly raising the bar for performance expectations.

The home front however portends a different scenario. The cracks are visible in her relationship with Obaro. They have been married five years and have tried albeit unsuccessfully, to have kids. As she prepares a quick breakfast, Obaro yells from the room “I don’t need your breakfast…all you ever think about is work, work, work. Why don’t you get married to your work”!

Priscilla fights back the tears, clenches her teeth and heads for the office while playing back the spate of verbal assaults and exchanges at home in recent times. She gets into the car and Ahmadu (her driver) informs her of his intention to swing by the corner and have the vulcaniser inflate one of the tyres, en- route the office. She barks at him – “when will you ever think straight? Must you wait for me to get into the car before fixing the tyre? You are just stupid”! Ahmadu glances through the rear-view mirror at his madam and decides it is best to rein in any further explanations. He stops to inflate the tyre and they ride to the office in deafening silence. He dare not put on the radio or music because he has observed her foul mood.

As she strides into her office, her Personal Assistant (PA) Azuka, utters a cheerful “Good morning ma”. Rather than respond, Priscilla fixes her a steely look and rasps out “See me in my office immediately”.

Azuka allows her to settle at her desk then she takes a deep breath and prepares herself for one of the inexplicable eruptions that have characterised their relationship in recent times. As Azuka enters Priscilla’s office and shuts the door behind her, Priscilla stares at her fixedly and points at the grey “Chanel” jacket Azuka has on. She speaks menacingly “Don’t ever wear that jacket to work again if you intend to keep your job here”. Immediately, Azuka removes the “offending “article and returns to her seat fighting back the tears. Today is her birthday and the jacket is a birthday gift from her fiancé. She lapses into thought…These days madam is always angry and no one seems to understand why. She cannot concentrate on her work and decides to unburden herself to her friend Tobi, the Personal Assistant to Madam Nadia. As she relates the recent scene to Tobi in tears. Tobi consoles her and ends with the words “…don’t mind the old hag. No wonder she doesn’t have kids”. Unknown to them, Nadia had overheard the entire conversation and decided to broach the matter with Priscilla over lunch.

As they seat to have lunch, Nadia addresses Priscilla. “Hi, Prisca. You are looking sharp as usual and I want to commend your presentation at today’s Management forum. It was brilliant!  However, I think you need to relax a little, you seem tense and stressed”.

Priscilla responds “Nadia my sister, indeed I am stressed. Obaro is making my life miserable these days which makes me take solace in my work. It is as if he hates my advancement at work and not having children only makes it worse – as if it is my fault. We have both done tests and there appears to be no scientific barrier to my conception. Am I God”?

Nadia reassures her and gently inquires whether her PA added to her stress as she learns that Prisca ordered her to remove her jacket.

Prisca replies “Nadia, that girl has guts!  Imagine her wearing the very same kind of “Chanel” jacket I bought. Where did she get the money”.

Nadia quickly cuts in “But Prisca, anyone could have given her the jacket and she may be from a privileged background. Your reaction was mean and unwarranted”.

Prisca takes a deep breath, pauses, and introspects – “I guess you are right; I’ve been so uptight of late. My life is a mess”.

Nadia gently counsels “You must slow down and breathe. You must strive for a work-life balance. Maybe you should spend more time with Obaro in relaxation. I am sure it will help heal the fissures. Once you are happier at home, you will no longer display transferred aggression. Besides, stress and tension affect fertility so you must reduce your stress and anger levels. Deep down Prisca, you are a nice person but you have allowed your situation to get to you and have treated work and more work as the panacea. That cannot help”.

Prisca breaks down and agrees “You’ve nailed it, Nadia. You know, I’ve always envied your peace and tranquility. You are a silent achiever who does everything with grace”. She then promises to make out more time for Obaro and gently woo him back.

Love

Havilah

Teni is the Manager of human capital in one of the multinational companies, while Mark, a colleague, and former classmate, heads human resources in one of the parastatals. They meet at a Human Resource Workshop on Appraisal Systems. During their lunch break, the two former classmates grab a table and after the usual niceties and small talk, Teni engages Mark on the issue of gender discrimination in the workplace.

Teni commences: “You know Mark, I’ve been thinking lately about proposing a bill on Women’s Rights In The Workplace and Gender Equality as there appear to be a lot of obsolete laws that need to be abolished or modified to reflect the reality today that women be given equal opportunities in the workplace and their remuneration should be equivalent to  that of their male counterparts who have the same roles and responsibilities. What is your view on this?”

Mark clears his throat and responds: “Teni, this is a sore issue but I will let you know that I agree with you absolutely. However, while I do not agree with those who practise such discrimination, I’ve heard arguments given to justify their stand. I will classify their reasons into 3:

1. THE CARE ROLE – Women by their God-ordained role are the first point of contact with relation to children. They are the ones who mostly do school runs, attend open days and other school activities, and take them for medical appointments and after-school extracurricular activities. This impacts the time available to devote to the organisation’s work. Even when they return to their desks it takes a while to settle back into their routine.
2. THE CHILD BEARING ROLE – Every pregnancy entitles the woman to three months of Maternity Leave with pay and often for the first month after resumption to work, they are entitled to one or two hours off the regular work hours.
3. JOB ROLE – There are certain job roles that have guiding regulations regarding employing women e.g. the Nigeria Police Force. This is because of the sensitive nature of their function which requires screening of their intended spouse and prohibits married women from joining the Force although they may fulfill the conditions spelt out in the regulations to enable them to get married after joining as spinsters”.

While Mark is reeling out the arguments, Teni’s mind races through some scenarios experienced. She recalls victimisation many years ago as a young woman earlier employed. She returned from her three months of maternity leave with a two-month-old pregnancy. She was utterly confused and opened up to the Human Resource Manager that she was shocked when informed by the Doctor, during her post-natal check-up that she had taken in and was in fact two months pregnant. The organisation was peeved that she needed to go on maternity leave twice within a year and made her pay for it by being passed up for promotion twice. She is currently facing challenges on staffing with the Customer Services Department of her company as Tito resumed maternity leave a week earlier to face her with exactly the same scenario, she had found herself in so many years ago. To compound it, Chitru commences her maternity leave in a week’s time. About this time in the previous year, Jumai had to proceed on maternity leave earlier than planned as she fell into premature labour. She has however, managed to juggle the affairs of the Department without negatively impacting service quality and has maintained a good retention rate. She rouses herself from her reverie just as Mark rounds up and expostulates her position as follows:

“My take on the arguments is that while the situations analysed are a reality, nothing is jeopardised by fulfilling the roles described. The organisation loses nothing provided the output of the staff involved meets expectations and is at par with their male or other counterparts. Productivity should not be measured by physical presence at work but on tangible markers,e.g., output, impact on the organisation’s bottom line and reputation, positive creativity, etc. This is why modern Appraisal Systems must be developed and deployed. This Workshop is indeed timely.

My views are ably supported by my observations regarding productivity when most organisations switched to working remotely as a result of the recent COVID Pandemic. Statistics indicate improvement in productivity while affording employees flexibility in work methods and routines. Women are naturally gifted at multitasking and are able to organise themselves into achieving desired results and objectives. It is therefore important for countries to revamp their extant laws where they tend toward gender discrimination”.

Love

Havilah

Mimi, Efua and Omo have a chance meeting at an eatery where Mimi stopped by to pick up a takeaway pack for her hairdresser who would be rendering “home service”.  Just as she is catching up with Efua who just flew in from Ghana, she excitedly picks a call. “Oops it’s mum!”, she exclaims. Her two friends watch on in silence as she lapses into an exhilarating conversation interspersed with short bursts of laughter. As she concludes the call, Omo asks in a curious tone “En…en Mimi, but you lost your mum a couple of years back. Who is this that was tickling your fancy. Girl, you really must like the person because it was obvious”.

Mimi responds with a smile on her lips – “My mother like no other! She is first and foremost my mother before Desmond’s. (By the way Efua, Desmond is my significant other)”. She continues “We get along so well, in fact, even better than I did with my late mother. She is such a lovely spirit; she treats me as her very own daughter. She even has a pet name for me – Nneoma, which in her dialect means Good/Beautiful mother. That is not to say we do not have our differences but she handles them with mature understanding and we move above them. I could go on and on about her but …let’s get back to our previous discussion…what’s up with you Efua? It’s been ages?”

Efua responds “Things are going great in Ghana, but I am back to inform my family here about my upcoming wedding in Ghana. I only hope my mother-in-law-to-be is as nice to me and bonds with me as yours does. I really have heard too many unnerving stories about mothers-in-law and have been dreading any confrontation. So far, she seems fine though”.

Mimi counsels – “Let me start by summarising Marriage Counselling 101 into 2 principles:

1. Never refer to your spouse’s mother as Mother-in-law. Don’t say it! Don’t even think it! Instead, refer to her as Mother or evolve a pet name for her. That way she starts to envision you as her daughter, not her son’s wife, or a strange lady he brought home.
2. See your relationship as a symbiotic relationship between mother and daughter. Treat her like your biological mother extending love to her”.

She continues – “You know, shortly before my marriage, mum (my mother-in-law) told me something I have since held on to. She interpreted her understanding of a mother-in-law role to me and this is a summary of what she said”.

“A Mother-in-law is bound by rules and regulations to act as a MOTHER. She is a mother by virtue of Law and acquires all the rights, duties and responsibilities of a mother. She acquires a daughter or son through the marriage of her child and is duty-bound to treat the acquired child as a biological child. She is accountable to God regarding this huge responsibility and it will be unfortunate if she fails”.

Omo reacts with a spontaneous – “Wow, that is profound! No wonder you guys are having a swell time together as mother and daughter. I wish most women would understand the relationship the way she envisages it. It would make things a lot easier for wives and intending brides”.

Efua caps the discourse with a parting advice – “True, ladies. We must not forget that we all desire to see our children married someday and automatically assume the role of mothers to their spouses as well. May the Lord help us to discover the beauty in each other”.

Havilah is of the opinion that the views and admonition expressed herein are indeed germane to the theme of engendering healthy relationships among women.

Love

Havilah

Four friends in their sixties usually schedule a day each week to have a Ladies’ day out for the purpose of de-stressing and catching up. Today, Prinye, Eno, Hauwa and Bimbo have decided to sample the services of the newly opened spa at the shopping mall close to them. As they approach the entrance to the mall, Prinye exclaims pointing excitedly “Oh my gosh…that is the store with the latest sex toys in town. I’ve read rave reviews about them! I need to check them out to pick up some new toys for myself and Diete (my husband)”.

The other ladies gasp and Bimbo is the first to find her voice. She exclaims in shock – “ Wait a minute Prinye, you can’t be serious. What would you be doing with sex toys at our age? Surely the desire for sex has waned with menopause”.

“No way”, Eno quickly responds. She then continues – “ Libido or sex drive has very little to do with age or menopause. It has a lot more to do with the individual make – up and dynamics. Both Femi and I are still very sexually active. Now that I have fewer distractions, we spend a lot more time together and invariably, I enjoy our lovemaking”. She then throws a banter at Bimbo – “Sweetheart, it’s time to find a companion to keep you warm in old age, afterall, Rex passed on a while ago and the children are all grown up now”.

Hauwa in her quiet voice clears her throat and declares – “Sisters since we are discussing this topic, it is one on which I  need advice. In recent times there has been a decline in sexual activity between Buba and myself, both in terms of frequency and quality. We are both enthusiastic about sex but I observe he tends to ejaculate prematurely. It’s like I am gearing up for the climax and suddenly it is over. I have often been tempted to complete the process by masturbating but don’t just feel good about it. We’ve run medical tests, and tried counseling but… it’s always over for him before it started for me”.

Prinye responds “Trust me, our sexual health is an important part of aging gracefully. Bimbo dear, I don’t believe the myth that the sex drive declines as a result of menopause. Undoubtedly, some physiological changes occur but these can be managed clinically with medication and exercise. That shouldn’t affect how you feel about your partner and a healthy sex appetite can still be maintained. I observe that sex toys add a certain novelty and excitement to the act and help with the stimulation of the organs. This is more so when both partners use them together”.

Hauwa exclaims “ Sounds like a possible solution to my problem with Buba, Prinye, which ones do you recommend?”

Prinye advises that Hauwa seek the services of a Sex Therapist in conjunction with Buba, for professional advice in handling their challenges and for possible consultation on sex toys if and when advised. She insists that Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage can precipitate disloyalty/unfaithfulness in marriage and could culminate in a direct or indirect reason for divorce.

Bimbo ends the conversation with the last word – “My tuppence contribution to this topic is this. Is there a distinction between masturbation and the use of sex toys? I think not. If the answer is no, then I feel morally and spiritually uncomfortable with any form of masturbation by whatever name it is called”.

Prinye picks her desired toy in silence and they all move on to a relaxing time at the spa with Hauwa urgently surfing the internet for a credible sex therapist to discuss her sexual issues with.

Havilah: Undoubtedly, sex toys are fast gaining ground in our societies and are no longer discussed in hushed tones. The questions begging for answers are:

Can the use of sex toys be considered a panacea or a placebo for libido issues?  

Is the use of Sex toys tantamount to Masturbation?

What views are expressed by the major religions on this?

Your feedback will be much appreciated.

P.S. The term – “the Other room” is borrowed from the vocabulary of the Head of State of a prominent nation in Africa, who upon interrogation regarding the role of his wife in the scheme of things, relegated her role to the kitchen and suggestively, “the other room”.

Love

Havilah

Toru dashes in to see her mother – Emi, earphones in place. She navigates her zoom meeting as she quickly hands over mom’s prescription drugs to her. She is on her way to pick up the twins from school and as mum tries to recount her experience for the day, she responds with a sharp “not now mom. We will catch up when I come over on Saturday”. With that Toru sails out the door and contemplates the fastest route to the twins’ school to avoid traffic.

Come Saturday, Emi eagerly awaits the visit of her only daughter – Toru and prepares Onunu, the favorite meal of the twins. After a hearty lunch, the children run off to play with the neighbour’s children while mother and daughter settle down to their usual weekly tete-a-tete.

Toru begins “Mom, you look exquisite. So natural, fresh and relaxed. Was it not for your strands of grey hair you could easily pass for my elder sister? In fact, my friends are always teasing me and commending your looks. The stress of the times just doesn’t seem to leave its mark on you, meanwhile, I remember when we were growing up, you were always so busy with the shop, I determined never to grow up running a shop. It just seemed so stressful”.

Emi responds “Baby girl, the years between 20 and 50 constitute the “Hustle phase of life”. You feel you must make it or break it especially as you look forward to a stable life by age 50. At the same time as you are building a career/ business, you are juggling home, and investing for the future, while keeping up with the Joneses. Life is a whirlwind at that phase. Believe me, when I say, I can identify with you.”

She continues: “However, given that the average life expectancy is 70-80 years, the phase between the ages of 50 and 80 should be spent in quiet repose enjoying the simple things of life. The tranquility and serenity with which you face life at this point emanates from within and exudes a radiance that gives a youthful glow to the skin. This, my dear daughter, is what can be referred to as graceful aging”.

Toru too responds “Mom…mom and her rhetoric. “I guess the real question is – what do you need to do to achieve graceful aging”?

Emi looks at her daughter and says “Grace enables you to focus on three things which help you achieve tranquility and serenity. What is Grace? G-R-A-C-E. The race of life must have God (G) in the forefront, to achieve success and ease the race. Grace can therefore be achieved by taking the following steps:

• Godliness. Devote your time, service, talents and substance to God. Give back to him that which he has blessed you with and Grace shall be multiplied. Walk in obedience to him and live above anger, hatred, envy, bitterness, covetousness and the like. Keep your heart clean and pure.
• Rejuvenation: Spend quality time on things that renew and reinvigorate your body. Eat healthily. Exercise, spend time on recreation and do things that put a smile on your face and fill you with joy. Leave past accomplishments and mistakes in the past where they belong and enjoy the simple things of life. Be content with your current state. Remember, the saying – Godliness with Contentment is great gain.
• Community Service: Give back to society. Impact lives with your talents, and your resources, positively touch lives as inspired by God and do things to and for people that you will be remembered for e.g., kindness, showing love, meeting some needs, etc.

Lastly, dear, my mantra comes from the words of the songwriter, Horatius Bonnar and I quote “…Thus would we pass from the earth and its toiling; Only remembered by what we have done…”.

Never forget that all we have talked about can be summarised as God’s grace being primarily responsible for the external features of peace, calm and serenity which results in the look of wellness that you see. May his grace always be sufficient for us.

Love

Havilah

Doyin walks into the home of the Thomas’s to hear the tail end of a marital row between her childhood friend Millie and her husband Osaro. Osaro is yelling “I will damn well do what I want with my money, after all…I work for it”! Millie and Doyin were scheduled to visit a mutual friend Vero and Doyin had stopped by to pick her up. She manages to calm both parties and suggests calmly to Osaro that she take Millie on a drive out to calm the situation, to which Osaro agrees. In the car, Doyin inquires from her friend about the cause of the argument.

Millie explains: “My dear, I am sick and tired of having arguments over the allocation of our finances. Osaro is a spendthrift who squanders resources on irrelevancies” she ranted. “You know, I discovered early into our marriage that he advised we kept separate accounts for selfish reasons. At the time, he earned way more than I did, though the tables have since turned. He would starve us of funds for mundane things like housekeeping, maintenance for the children, school fees, etc. while splurging on irrelevancies like fancy restaurants, parties, exotic foods, cars and the like. I was therefore forced to take the tab for housekeeping, maintenance and school fees. In spite of protests over time, the pattern has not changed and it is so frustrating that every penny I earn goes toward giving the family a decent life. These expenses are on the increase with the double-digit inflation in the country and especially as the children grow older. I do not have any savings or funds to spend on enhancing our environment, acquiring revenue generating assets, etc”. The other day I walked into your foyer and fell in love with your console and mirror arrangement, I cannot replicate it at home, meanwhile, we are on the same salary level at work”.

Doyin responds: “Millie, you should not compare because you don’t know my husband’s pay or if there are other sources of income available to us. Don’t forget that I advised you some years back, that you have a joint account which enables both you and Osaro to contribute a portion of your account to cover the everyday expenses. What we do is have a joint account into which we contribute agreed portions of our salary (80%) and retain the balance (20%) for our peculiar fancies. From the joint account, we handle everyday expenses – Housekeeping, maintenance, fees, bills, etc. We also comingle funds from other sources e.g., bonuses, inheritance, allowances (non-salary income), etc. and use them for capital expenditure. At the beginning of the year, we draw up a list of proposed projects and asset acquisitions for the year and prioritise them. As the funds become available, we implement. It is quite simple once it is pre-agreed. If an emergency comes up, we address it and go back to our list after”.

As they walk into Vero’s home deep in the conversation, Vero listens a while then clears her throat. She volunteers her advice “If I may come in sisters, I agree that financial interdependence should be encouraged in marriages because it facilitates bonding and proper alignment as both parties are carried along in the pattern of expenditure. A joint account allows for ease of financial administration in the event of the death of either party. It serves to check the excesses of either party but it also has its cons, especially where one of the parties is prone to debts and incurring liabilities. I prefer to advise that while maintaining a joint account for expenses to which they have agreed to be mutually responsible, the couple should maintain its individuality by running separate accounts from which they can fuel their idiosyncrasies. For me, I contribute 40% of my salary while Dike does 60% of his. This ratio works for our joint account and takes care of the basic needs of the family, capital expenditure and emergencies among others. That way I get to spend on my vacations, artwork and other things that interest me. Mind you, the ratios are reviewed from time to time based on the dynamics of our income”.

All three agree that the issue of Financial Management is fundamental to sustaining a marriage and is one of the key issues to be resolved by couples prior to marriage. It is one of the top causes of divorce. They further agree that the couple must do the following things:

1. Align their financial goals and possible timelines where relevant.
2. Agree on their priorities and set parameters for a review e.g., when their incomes increase or decrease.
3. Determine how expenditure on items that affect the family, in general, will be handled. E.g., using a Joint account.
4. Agree as to whether both signatories are required for every withdrawal or whether limits will be set as to what each individual can withdraw.

Millie, makes a mental note to reinvent the wheel by having the necessary discussion on financial management with Osaro but needs advice on how best to approach it. What would you advise?

Love

Havilah

Room B6, Obasa Hall housed four girls who had been newly admitted into the university to pursue their chosen courses. Four young adults from different schools and different backgrounds thrown together into a common pool to navigate their future.

First in the room was Aliya, a pretty, quiet and well-brought-up girl of 18, from a strict Muslim background. Aliya, the last of four children in her family, exuded deep respect for anyone older than her and was very impressionable. She had been a day student throughout her primary and secondary education (High school) and her routine had always been – home-school and back home. She had very few friends as she was not allowed to visit or socialise outside of the family. She was indeed naïve.

Aliya was shortly joined by Chantal. Chantal, on the other hand, had lived all her life on the other side of the divide. A day student as well, she however had experienced unbridled freedom as both her parents spent their time furthering their thriving careers, barely having time for this only child. Instead, she was spoilt with gifts and excessive money. Chantal was therefore left to the whims and caprices of nannies and governesses as a child. A highly intelligent child, Chantal scaled exams and achieved required grades with minimal effort. She was a party freak, ardent clubber and frequent traveler both within the country and without, often without the knowledge of her parents. She was very popular with the opposite sex and could easily win a popularity contest on campus. She was 19 going on 20.

Taba, the third occupant, was 17 and an introvert who enjoyed her own company. She had zero interpersonal skills and could be described as antisocial. She was a nerd who enjoyed the company of her books and music. She saw no need to mix and would barely raise her head or say “Hello” if anyone came into the room. For her, it was the library – laboratory – class and room.

Gbubemi, the same age as Chantal, was the last to join the room. Gbubemi, displayed maturity in handling life issues. She never skipped classes and studied hard but also spent time on sports where she socialised, was a Rotaractor (junior Rotarian) and also attended a few social events like drama, movies and parties. She would often come back to the room to find Taba in her solitary confinement while Chantal and Aliya would be gone to return in the early hours of the morning or sometimes …days later. At the end of the first semester, as they prepared to go home the following conversation ensued.

Aliya: “My grades are so poor…what will I tell my parents? They will kill me! Ah…this has never happened in all my life. In fact, I am dead already” she moaned. “Chantal, you said your grades are OK, how did you manage it?

Chantal: “I don’t know. As you well know, I didn’t do anything differently from you. Maybe my course is just easier”. “Madam bookworm, how did you fare”? she asked, addressing Taba.

Gbubemi cut in: “Chantal please leave Taba alone. You know, I just think we should talk some sense into one another. You know Taba you can’t continue to bury your head in your books and shut yourself to the world outside of you. To be a rounded individual you must hone interpersonal skills and develop relationships. You can’t live as an island.  You must work with people in the future and must learn to interact and relate. It helps the career and even stabilises you. The proverb “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” is so true. Snap out of it, it may even enhance your grades”. As Chantal and Aliyu chuckle at the lecture, Gbubemi turns her antenna on them: “You are the converse. “All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy”. When you live your life like it’s a circus, you get stuck in a rut like you just did Aliya. Don’t follow blindly, rather you must learn to be your own person. Establish your identity. Let people know what you stand for. Dare to be different. Remember that no two persons are the same, even identical twins, and Chantal’s lifestyle may not suit you.

I would also wish to sound a note of encouragement to us all. These are hard financial times for even the wealthiest of parents and we can’t afford to waste our parents’ resources. We must learn to balance our academics with social skills and begin to cultivate financial independence by identifying our strengths and putting them to use in generating income. Let us make room B6 the envy of all our Hall mates”.

Gbubemi noted with satisfaction the look on her roommates faces which signified an alignment with her advice. They each committed to a more balanced lifestyle and introspection as to how to improve their net worth going forward. The next semester saw a reformed B6 with improved cohesion and alignment, better grades and thriving small scale businesses.

A NOTE FROM HAVILAH – It is never too early to teach our children that success in life is predicated on hitting the right balance and financial independence is a fundamental to success.

Love

Havilah

Barin and Derin were a “perfect” couple especially as Barin was a sucker for good food and had an insatiable appetite for culinary diversity and quality while Derin constantly met and often exceeded his expectations in this regard. He absolutely loved good food and prior to marriage, Derin stopped short at nothing in fuelling this appetite. Even after marriage, this diversity and quality continued and their marriage was indeed blissful.

Cracks however surfaced about 18 months into the marriage when Barin was transferred to work in Warri and Derin suddenly stopped being the gourmet and traditional chef, rolled into one, that he had come to know. The meals presented were now unexciting, mundane and tasteless. Initially, he assumed something was wrong and she was probably distraught but his prodding was always answered with a wry smile and the words “Bee, I am fine”. Derin, realising the effect on her erstwhile wonderful marriage, resorted to buying food from eateries and restaurants but Barin was a connoisseur. He could smell the difference miles away. “Ah…ah Derin, this was not cooked at home now. This has a commercial ring to it”, he would often say and so one day, Derin was forced to tell him the truth about the perceived culinary prowess.

Derin: “Bee dear, I have something to tell you,” she said in a gentle voice after he had just polished off his Sunday Brunch at a 4-star hotel.

Barin:” Can’t a man enjoy a good meal in peace? After all, you cannot cook such a meal. What do you want to say woman?” he replied gruffly.

Derin: “You know dear, all those wonderful meals you had during courtship and early marriage”, after a deep sigh she continued, “they were actually mama’s handiwork. You know, she worked as Chief Chef in one of the five-star hotels in Lagos prior to retirement. She knows how to cook up a storm at short notice and with minimum ingredients/resources. Unfortunately, while growing up, the entreaties that I learn from her, fell on deaf ears as I felt I could always pay for the services of a good chef if needed. Unfortunately, your insistence that I am directly responsible for the preparation of your food was not envisaged which is why we have crash-landed where we are”.

A crestfallen and deflated Barin replied “Dee… what kind of woman doesn’t know how to cook. R-e-a-l-l-y, who doesn’t know that the way to a man’s heart is through a man’s stomach! So, what do you expect to do about it”?

Derin responded: “I have spoken with mom and she promises a crash course in all your preferred menu during my annual leave. So, with your kind permission, I will spend 2 weeks of my next vacation with her and you trust now, being the fast learner that I am, this will be behind us in a jiffy”.

Barin: “You are the best, always willing to view things objectively and not afraid to backstep when wrong. I love you as I know you genuinely sacrifice for our love. Permission granted”! With this, he seals the discussion with a kiss.

Derin calls her friend Obele and excitedly relates her decision and its basis. To her chagrin, Obele says – “Ah Derin, I think you are making a mistake. Your husband has no right to alter your disposition towards ANYTHING. If you don’t like cooking… that, is you period. Are you asking him to change? Why doesn’t he change his palate to accept your cooking? Anyway, that is my opinion though”.

Havilah however commends Derin’s decision and advises she sticks by it to enable her marriage to remain blissful. Her decision has unwittingly strengthened the marriage as it shows a willingness to sacrifice.

Importantly, Havilah advises “Never lose that which was the initial basis of attraction be it your fashion sense, intellectual discourse, wit, culinary expertise, style, etc. It goes to the roots of the relationship and helps to keep it renewed/reinvigorated.”

Love

Havilah

La Belle High School graduands arrange a Prom to mark the end of High School and Yeni takes her daughter Kemi for the event. She returns to pick her up and two of her classmates approach the car in the company of Kemi. Ibinabo and Amaka chorus a “Good evening ma”. Amaka continues – “Please ma, can you drop us off at home as we may need to Uber home and are a little wary at this time of night”. Yeni agrees to do so but raises a quizzical eyebrow before commenting on her observations. “Ibinabo and Amaka, good evening. Amaka, what a lovely dress you have on, but Amaka, hmm…you could have passed for any of the Celebrities on the red carpet at the Grammy Awards. This outfit may pass on the red carpet but…well, never mind. Is your mum in town”?

“No ma” Amaka replies “but she had arranged with Aunty Chichi to pick something nice and fitting for the prom”.

“And where is aunty Chichi now”?, Yeni asked.

“Please ma, she paid for my Uber to the event but has lectures on Campus today so she cannot pick me” Amaka responds.

Yeni then admits all three school leavers into the car and sets about giving them a little lecture on the virtue of proper dressing and the folly of indecent dressing /seductive nudity.

Yeni explains that “Seductive Nudity in the form of very transparent clothing, exposure of breasts and other sensitive areas (private parts) of the body, underwear, may be the fashion trend but it has negative connotations and implications for the dresser/wearer”. She states further that “nude dressing may be the prerogative of Celebrities whose purpose is to strike an unforgettable image in the minds of their fans. It is meant for the likes of Grammy Awards and the Red Carpet generally, not for ordinary everyday folk like you and me. Celebrities may get away with it because they are above the average person’s reach. While, it is nice to keep up with trends, this must be done in moderation with due regard to morals and ethics. It is important to dress modestly and decently because that not only shows you are confident of yourself but also showcases you as a person of integrity and standards. Exposure of private parts is a specific “NO NO”. Private parts are referred to as such because they should not be flaunted in public, they should be kept in privacy.

My dear girls, dress is not merely a covering for your nakedness but it also sends a message about the kind of person you are. Indecent dressing belittles womanhood and a woman is often assessed and addressed based on perception. Certain types of dressing are associated with loose morals e.g. inordinately short clothes, exposure of private parts, too much cleavage etc. These invite prying eyes and reactions from the  public to what should remain under wraps, and have elicited many sexual violations and assault. Much as I do not justify such reactions, the way a lady dresses leaves lasting impressions. A lady is respected when  her dress sense is decent and stylish, leaving a lasting impression of dignity and class. Skimpy and indecent dressing on the other hand makes you look crass and cheap. I hope you catch my drift.

Even in the use of cosmetics and make-up, it should be used in moderation so you don’t appear garish. Try using colours that blend in with your skin colour rather than contrast with it.

I also see ladies tottering on heels that are a burden to them. Always wear things that you feel comfortable in whether clothes, shoes, hairdo or make-up.

Now to tattoos…that is another ball game. People with tattoos are generally perceived as displaying negative personality characteristics, lower levels of inhibitions, competence and sociability as well as higher levels of promiscuity. In other words, you can expect them to do the unthinkable without any qualms.”

All three girls thanked Yeni for her exposition on Fashion trends and for dressing right just as she dropped off each of them at their destination.

Left alone with Kemi, Kemi gave her a bear hug and looked her in the eyes. She said: “ Mom, I‘ve learnt so much from you today and I adore your sense of dress. I see you as my role model because you always look so good. Have you noticed how heads turn when you enter a room? Thank you mom for teaching me the right values and parameters”.

Havilah wishes to add that this admonition also works for adults who are meant to act as mentors to the youth but are themselves entirely misled about the right attitude to dressing. May we be guided by the right morals and ethics rather than follow the crowd blindly, all in the name of fashion.

Love

Havilah